Getting Pucked Up

This isn't a story that answers the question, What happens when people stop being polite and start getting real? Rather, this is a story that answers the question, What happens when people try to find new ways to amuse themselves while watching a show about people who stop being polite and start getting real? In honor of the 10th-season debut of MTV's longest-running original series, The Real World, we present: The Real World Drinking Game.

-- The first time that two flirty housemates wind up in bed together -- but just for a ''really amazing talk'' -- take a drink.

-- The first time someone plays with one of the strategically placed toys in the living room or kitchen, take a drink.

-- Every time someone has a sobby-teary phone call with a long-distance boyfriend/girlfriend that he/she has just cheated on, dial 1-800-2DRINKS.

-- The first time someone develops a hygiene issue that annoys a housemate, pull a Puck and stick your finger in your roommate's jar of peanut butter.

-- Every time someone composes a heartfelt but painfully embarrassing song, take a big swig of your drink -- and then spit it at the speaker on your TV set, temporarily shorting out the sound.

-- The first time someone defends his/her lame behavior as just ''keeping it real,'' take a chip and put it on your shoulder.

-- Every time two roomies hug insincerely after a blowout, make a passive-aggressive comment to the person on your left.

-- The first time someone's significant other comes to visit, leading to awkward moments with the other housemate who's secretly in love with him/her, make an inappropriate pass at the person on your right.

-- Every time a housemate accuses another one of being racist/sexist/homophobic, deliver a heavy-handed lecture to the room about the dangers of alcohol.

-- Every time someone gets embarrassingly drunk, put away your drink out of empathetic shame.

-- Every time the drama queen of the show goes on a tirade, slam your shot glass down and then trash the room.

-- The first time someone talks about how one of their housemates -- usually someone of a different ethnicity or orientation -- has opened his/her mind to new ideas, turn off the show and read Kierkegaard or something.