Stage Reviews: Cher's 'Do You Believe?' and Margaret Cho's 'I'm the One That I Want'

Cher does not apologize for making you wait. She makes not one apology for a single gaudy outfit. She does not say, ''I'm sorry'' for making you sit through a time-warped Cyndi Lauper warm-up set. Cher actually brags that no one can bomb quite like Cher (the infomercials, she admits, were not the greatest career move). And before she launches into her criminally underrated single ''Walking in Memphis'' (accompanied by a music video in which she's dressed as Elvis ... Elvis!), she is happy to tell you what a commercial bomb that song was too. And yet she earns our respect, and not a little gratitude, by reminding us that there is life and Oscars and hit singles and wigs after infomercials, bad movies, personal tragedy, Richie Sambora, and just about any other indignity that falls short of stopping your heart.

There are no bungee jumpers in Cho's one-woman riot, I'm the One That I Want, which runs Off Broadway until Aug. 14, then embarks on a national tour. It's just Cho, doing her trademark stand-up material, which stands up surprisingly well, especially the imitation of her Korean mother looking through a gay porno rag at the family-owned bookstore. But to call this a mere stand-up act would do it a disservice.

The meat of I'm the One That I Want is a well-crafted, sometimes very serious turn in which she recounts her experiences on All-American Girl, her misguided 1994-95 ABC series. Told she looked fat by an exec, she dropped 30 pounds in two weeks and ended up in the hospital with kidney failure. When the show was canceled (''and replaced by Drew Carey, because he's so skinny''), she spiraled into drugs and alcohol and promiscuous sex, until she woke up and thought, ''What kind of f---ed-up, Mötley Crüe, Behind the Music bulls--- is this?'' Now sober and vying ''to stay here and do this until the next Korean-American, fag-hag, s----starting girl comic comes up and takes my place,'' Cho manages rather miraculously to tell her tale without even a hint of bitterness. And like Cher, she's learned the secret of showbiz survival. Stars who remain true to their instincts for better or worse — these are the ones that we want. Cher: B+Margaret Cho: A

Cher's U.S. tour continues through August; for information, see www.cher.com. Cho appears at Manhattan's Westbeth Theatre Center through Aug. 14 (call Ticketmaster at 212-307-4100) before going on tour (see www.jte.com/jte/mar garet.htm). Unless another Korean-American fag-hag comic takes her place.