''What's the matter? Barbra said no?''
Bette Midler, 500th-episode co-host, on The Rosie O'Donnell Show
''The [Monica Lewinsky] interview with Barbara Walters will be on ABC, but if you don't get a chance to see it, I wouldn't worry. I'm pretty sure Linda Tripp will be taping it.''
David Letterman on Late Show
''During several episodes of Party of Five, Neve Campbell's character is going to have a lesbian fling. Which means during several upcoming episodes of Party of Five, I'll be having a party of one.''
Conan O'Brien on Late Night
''According to a medical study, Prozac is effective in treating kleptomania. In fact, they can't keep it on the shelves.''
Jay Leno on The Tonight Show
''By the way, Entertainment Tonight, honestly, has sucked since you left.''
Jon Stewart to guest John Tesh on The Daily Show
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