The Astronaut'sw Wife (1999)

THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE Johnny Depp, Charlize Theron (1999, New Line, 110 mins., R, also on DVD) Depp is Top Gun's Tom Cruise gone to the dark side, while Theron imitates Rosemary's Baby's screwed-by-the-devil Mia Farrow in this dreadful, nonsensical movie about an astronaut (Depp) who returns from a traumatic mission with a little extra something in his mojo. As if his post-traumatic space syndrome weren't enough for his poor, put-upon wife (Theron) to contend with, she gets pregnant with twins who are actually...computers? Aliens? Whatever -- they're not human, judging from the drama that ensues. The only certainty offered by this flick is that, should the need arise, you could find a fabulous colorist to accompany you in outer space -- just check out Depp's perfect honey highlights. Reel Goodies (1:09) An honest-to-God, ''if you're watching this tape I must be dead'' scene in which Theron's character pops in a video and learns the truth about her bad hubby. The Last Detail Soon after The Devil's Advocate, Theron has to spin around and play one more wife dragged up from Florida to sinister New York, only to be neglected by her evil man. D-

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