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Though Dr. Laura thinks homosexuals are a ''biological error'' and far more likely than straight people to be pedophiles, she claims nonetheless to have many ''close relationships with gay friends.'' I can never hear this without wondering, Who are these people? Just how easygoing, how eerily accommodating would a gay couple have to be to maintain a friendship with Dr. Laura? And what are the dinner parties like? I imagine they must be something like this:
Kevin and Bob are greeted at the door by Dr. Laura, her husband,
Lew, and her son, Deryk.
Bob: Hi, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: Bob, Kevin! Oh good — you brought your own plates.
Kevin: We got your e-mail.
Dr. Laura: Come in, sit! You know Lew and my son, Deryk.
Kevin: Hi, Deryk. That's some cool biohazard suit you're wearing.
Deryk: (inaudible)
Dr. Laura: Would you boys like something before dinner? A
cocktail? Cashews? Reparative therapy?
Bob: No, thanks.
Dr. Laura: It's really no problem. We can squeeze in a session
while the roast settles.
Kevin: Uh, not tonight.
Bob: We heard your show today. That homosexuality/incest
comparison — ouch!
Dr. Laura: I hope that, being my dear friends, you didn't take
it personally. You know my disgust with your deviant sexuality
in no way lessens my great personal affection for you.
Kevin: We love you too, Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura: Thank you. Could you sit farther apart, please?
Kevin: Sorry.
Dr. Laura: And try to stay on the plastic sheet. Deryk, offer
our guests some cheese straws...no, no — use the mechanical arm.
Kevin: Thanks. These are good.
Dr. Laura: Not half as good as heterosexual intercourse in a
divinely sanctioned union...c'mon — one quick session!
Lew: You boys have a nice day?
Kevin: Yes. We watched Bette Davis in All About Eve. Boy, she's
good in that.
Dr. Laura: (switching off Deryk's audio feed) I think we can do
without the recruiting speeches.
Kevin: Sorry.
Deryk: (inaudible)
Dr. Laura: Okay, let's forget it by playing a fun game. How
about aversion therapy! Lew, you get the electrodes and I'll pop
in the ''Lifeguards of Australia'' video.
Bob: I dunno. That kind of ruined my birthday party.
Lew: They don't like that one, Laura.
Dr. Laura: Can't you see I'm just trying to help these guys?
It's my duty to them — they're our friends.
— Joe Keenan, gay executive producer of the Paramount sitcom Frasier
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