1. President Quayle
You wanna know how scary that is? Freddy Krueger just wet his pants.
3. Robin Givens
What is it with that hair? Tell me it doesn't make her look like a shrunken head.
4. Michael Jackson Bio
Michael's weird, Michael has sex problems, Michael had surgery. Bor-ing. Doesn't this ''biographer'' know how to make things up?
5. Fanciful ''Fresh'' Labels
If the FDA thought orange juice was mislabeled, I can't wait till they find out what Summer's Eve is all about.
6. Brandon Tartikoff
He's already working on some new movies for Paramount: 'night Court, On Golden Girls, and That's Infotainment.
7. Television Executions
If Pacific Gas & Electric isn't planning to sponsor this, they're nuts.
8. Nazi Video Games
Nuremberg trials game was funny?
9. Cannes Film Festival
A vulgar, tasteless exhibition for tacky wheeler-dealers. So why aren't we there?
10. Robin Hood
Kevin Costner lays another golden egg. What do you think? A talented guy or a deal with the devil?
11. 900 Polling Numbers
To vote ''yes,'' Kevin Costner signed a deal with the devil, call 1-900-555-6666. Remember, each call costs 95 cents and we keep it.
''Tsongas'' haircuts. Women throwing panties. No room on his press bus. He can dream, can't he?
13. Commencement Addresses
I wasted a whole day trying to find the perfect ''Carpe Diem'' T-shirt.
14. Serial Killers
Finally popular. Honestly, can you even remember why you didn't like them in the first place?
15. Al Sharpton in London
It's payback time for Robin Leach, Mum.