There are two sets of writers for the Academy Awards: those responsible for crafting material for the presenters, and those who prepare special comedy material for the host. I am part of the presenter team and work with veteran Oscar writers Hal Kanter and Buz Kohan. This year was my fourth.
Friday, March 23
11:30 a.m. Steve Martin unveils his monologue to a group of about 12 of us in the Shrine's Gold Room. He's been meeting with his writers Andy Breckman, Jon Macks, Rita Rudner, and Bruce Vilanch for weeks. The content of the opening monologue is always a closely guarded secret. No copy is ever placed in the general-distribution script. Steve does his routine, testing to see which jokes work. He's not sure the ''Anthony Hopkins, stop looking at my calves'' line works. Buz and I agree that it does and tell him so. One joke that doesn't make the cut: ''I've heard Russell Crowe's been in a lot of things this year.''
1:20 p.m. Annette Bening wants to change the last line of her copy, which is ''It feels good to win at the movies and in real life....Just ask Erin Brockovich.'' ''Maybe Bruce [Vilanch] or one of the writers can come up with something else,'' she says. ''I am one of the writers,'' I say. Annette graciously apologizes. I like her style. I simplify the line. Gil Cates, the producer, likes it. Annette likes it. We're all happy. One star down.
3:12 p.m. Buz advises me that he's made sure snacks, beverages, and the all-important Krispy Kremes have been delivered to the writers' Winnebago. Somehow the craft service people have overlooked the writers' trailer. Have we fallen from grace already?
Saturday, March 24
10:24 a.m. Steve Martin does a Cliff Notes version of his monologue. He tests another joke. Referring to octogenarian Ernest Lehman, he says, ''He was 25 when this show began.'' Everyone laughs and applauds. ''Okay,'' says Steve, ''when I'm up on charges...'' He uses the joke.
12:20 p.m. Ben Stiller comes over to the producers' table to change his copy. He's presenting the documentary awards and he doesn't think the line ''documentaries come in two sizes, long and short'' works. Bruce, Hal, and Buz offer suggestions. Ben comes up with a line but wants to think about it some more. Ultimately, the zinger he uses is his own: ''There's an old saying in Hollywood — it's not the length of your film, it's how you use it.'' 1:20 p.m. Russell Crowe arrives for rehearsal. The script department empties and everyone, especially the women, converges on the auditorium. He plays to his audience. Crowe and Sting draw the biggest crowd of Oscar workers.
3:00 p.m. Steve's comedy team is on-site, and now there are seven writers sharing a very compact Winnebago.
Sunday, March 25
4:00 p.m. I'm assigned to the Gold Room, where the stars gather before presenting. The place has a buffet fit for Caligula, but there is no alcohol.
4:20 p.m. PricewaterhouseCoopers representatives are the first to arrive. I eye their briefcases with the winner envelopes inside. They never leave their bags unattended.
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