MONDAY March 23
7-9PM THE 1998 ACADEMY AWARD PRE-SHOW (E!) There's nothing like that look of dread on an actor's face at the sound of Joan and Melissa Rivers' red-carpet yoo-hoo. See who survives their sartorial gauntlet.
8-10PM OSCAR DE LA HOYA'S BIG FIGHT NIGHT (Fox) In a stroke of counterprogramming genius, Fox slates its own Oscar night -- a four-bout boxing card featuring quadruple champ De La Hoya as host and ringside color man.
8-9PM BARBARA WALTERS SPECIAL (ABC) As is her yearly wont, Ms. Wawa jawbones with three Tinseltown big shots. This year's victims: Burt Reynolds, Kim Basinger, and Will Smith.
8PM-12:30AM THE INDEPENDENT SPIRIT AWARDS OSCAR NIGHT SWITCHOUT (Bravo, TV-PG) Hey, Nielsen families: Wanna subvert all those advertisers paying through the nose for Oscar airtime? Then tune in during ABC's station breaks for a look at the indie world's 1997 winners.
MAY THE BEST MAN WIN 9-MIDNIGHT 70TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS (ABC) ''You must knock on wood after using the AA words,'' worries Ulee's Gold nominee Peter Fonda -- and no, he's not talking about Alcoholics Anonymous. Fonda vies for Best Actor against As Good as It Gets' Jack Nicholson, The Apostle's Robert Duvall, Wag the Dog's Dustin Hoffman, and Good Will Hunting's Matt Damon at the ceremony, hosted for the sixth time by quipmaster Billy Crystal (above). So just how nervous is Fonda about the prospect of actually winning? ''We need one big knock for that,'' he frets. ''Let me go punch a hole in the wall.'' -- BF
TUESDAY March 24
7-9PM PLANET GROOVE (BET) Mariah Carey hits the couch to introduce videos, expound upon herself, and, in her capacity as head of Crave Records, plug R&B proteges 7 Mile.
9-9:30PM FRASIER (NBC, TV-PG) A hunky M.D. gets a show on KACL, provoking Frasier to go on an ego-restoring hunt for Mr. Wonderful's flaws.
9:30-10PM LATELINE (NBC, TV-PG) Doltish newsman Al Freundlich (Al Franken) relishes the rumor that he's ''Anonymous,'' the author of a politically charged roman a clef.
10-11PM NYPD BLUE (ABC, TV-14-LSV) After Sylvia's nagging him to get help, television's latest cancer man, Sipowicz, now has Bobby on his back.
SCAM DUNKED 10-11PM CITY DUMP: THE STORY OF THE 1951 CCNY BASKETBALL SCANDAL (HBO, TV-PG) Okay, so it's not exactly the 1919 Black Sox scandal, but the tale of seven point-shaving hoopsters (among them Harvey Schaff, Alvin Roth, and Ed Warner, top) from the City College of New York makes for a surprisingly poignant documentary. Although it suffers from soft-boiled narration by Sphere's Liev Schreiber, Dump scores with its commentary from CCNY alum Marvin Kalb, who calls the incident a ''betrayal on a biblical level.'' B -- BF
WEDNESDAY March 25
KILLER CAMEO 8-8:30PM THE NANNY (CBS, TV-PG-D) Ms. Drescher's real-life Queens, N.Y., schoolmate Ray Romano guest-stars as his TV protagonist, Ray Barone, at Fran's high school reunion.
8-9PM BEVERLY HILLS, 90210 (Fox, TV-PG) Kelly and Valerie face the prospect of ending up sisters when their parents get engaged.
8:30PM-2AM NIGHT OF FIRST EPISODES (Nick at Nite) Think of Nick's look back at the debuts of various classic sitcoms (Taxi, I Love Lucy, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Happy Days) as the perfect antidote to the current crop of dubious mid-season offerings.
9-10PM SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (Fox, TV-PG-DS) Speaking of which...Henry comes clean about boinking his boss, while Nell cozies up to a friend of her dad's. And it ain't even sweeps yet!
9-10PM MICHAEL HAYES (CBS, TV-14-LV) Wearing its new conspiratorial bent well, Hayes delves into the Middle Eastern intrigue behind the Feds' insistence on immunity for a gunrunning diplomat.
ALL STATIC, ALL THE TIME 8-8:30PM NEWSRADIO (NBC, TV-PG) Asked to deconstruct the masterfully abrasive rapport that's evolved between Phil Hartman and himself, Dave Foley (above right with Hartman) offers this snidery: ''If you watch closely, you'll notice that in every episode, Bill does something crazy and I stare at him with a look of incredulity.'' One wonders if that shtick (this week revolving around the blowhard anchorman's decision to take up a new disgusting habit in lieu of smoking) takes its toll. ''Well,'' says Foley, ''sometimes my eyes get sore.''
THURSDAY March 26
7-8:15PM A CINDERELLA SEASON: THE LADY VOLS FIGHT BACK (HBO, TV-G) It's March Madness of the feminine kind (no, not that), as the documentary tags along for the University of Tennessee's Lady Volunteers' championship '96-97 season.
8-8:30PM FRIENDS (NBC, TV-14) Joey and Chandler happen upon couch-potato heaven when their cable system unwittingly hooks them up with a porn channel.
8:30-9PM JUST SHOOT ME (NBC, TV-PG) Mistaking Nina's nicotine patch for a Band-Aid, Maya winds up all hopped up... just as she's about to do an interview on the evils of drugs. How '90s.
9-10PM NEW YORK UNDERCOVER (Fox, TV-14-LV) Talk about your chemical brothers.... The squad gets busy among the local rave community to catch a serial killer whose weapon of choice is tainted ecstasy.
9-10PM CHEERLEADERS (E!, TV-G) Gimme a T! Gimme an A! E!'s crack reporting team looks behind the pom-poms, visiting the L.A. Lakers and Dallas Cowboys squads to find out what makes the rah-rahing rump shakers tick.
9-9:30PM SEINFELD (NBC, TV-PG) Newman supplies Kramer with another home-improvement idea (reversing the view from their peepholes) and almost gets them evicted. (R)
10-11PM 48 HOURS (CBS) The newsmag sifts through the wreckage of El Nino and postulates on how much more mayhem we can expect from the muchacho terrible.
10-11PM AMERICAN DANCE (Bravo, TV-PG) If the names Balanchine, Villella, Tharp, Ailey, and Tune mean anything to you, then you'll want to high-step your way toward this history of 20th-century hoofing.
...SO DIE ALREADY 9-11PM CRIMES OF PASSION: EDNA BUCHANAN'S NOBODY LIVES FOREVER (ABC) This telepic's plot is as convoluted as its title is long. Detective Dusty (Alexandra Powers, far left) has a thing for partner Rick (Greg Evigan, center), who kinda has a thing for her, until his childhood friend Laurel (Brenda Bakke, left, of the ''I pout, therefore I'm sexy'' school of acting) resurfaces in a sports car and come-hither bikini. Puh-leeze! Before you can say ''obligatory love triangle,'' dead bodies start piling up, leaving Rick to ponder which woman is willing to kill to hold on to him. Somehow mixed into all of this is a lame subplot about a dirty cop and a last-minute meditation on multiple-personality disorder. Even if you did live forever, life would be too short to waste on this. D -- Shawna Malcom
FRIDAY March 27
8-9:30PM BOOTY CALL (Cinemax, R) We bet Merchant Ivory are kicking themselves for not snagging the successful 1997 film about the romantic travails of two young gentlemen (Tommy Davidson, Jamie Foxx) who go a-courtin'.
10-11PM HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET (NBC, TV-14) A desperate Giardello resorts to a hypnotist and a crime-fighting TV show to help locate an abducted 4-year-old boy.
DEMOCRACY ON ICE 9-11PM THE GREAT SKATE DEBATE (CBS, TV-G) Following the judging controversy that erupted during last month's Olympics (when a cabal of judges allegedly conspired to crown the winner of the ice-dancing competition), CBS keeps it real for the people, as the audience at the University of Illinois' Chicago Pavilion -- as well as Internet users -- will decide the outcome of a program including Scott Hamilton (above), Kristi Yamaguchi, Kurt Browning, and Katarina Witt. Says Hamilton: ''It makes it a lot of fun for the crowd, because they're the most important people in the building, as they should be. The nine who don't pay to get in [i.e., the judges] are freeloading as far as I'm concerned.''
SATURDAY March 28
6-8:30AM TCM ON TNT (TNT) Ted Turner's ad-free movie channel goes slumming on its basic-cable sibling, with Hitchcock's Dial M for Murder (1954). Later today, it offers Mister Roberts (1955), The Great Santini (1979), Rebel Without a Cause (1955), and East of Eden (1955).
11PM-MIDNIGHT MAD TV (Fox, TV-14-DL) This week, Saturday Night Live's frequently superior competition offers two more compelling reasons to watch: walking punchline Anna Nicole Smith.
A REAL HEAD SCRATCHER 9-10:50PM EVIDENCE OF BLOOD (The Movie Channel, TV-14-DLSV) Said evidence is absent from this anemic take on Thomas H. Cook's novel. David Strathairn (right with Mary McDonnell) turns in a zombified performance as a mystery writer who returns to his one-horse hometown for a funeral and winds up knee-deep in a 40-year-old murder case. It's as though everyone involved tried so hard to avoid trite Southern gothic that they got lethargy instead. Pity: There's a great plot in here somewhere, and a corker of a final twist. If your attention span holds out. C-
SUNDAY March 29
NOON-MIDNIGHT RICH MAN, POOR MAN (Romance Classics, TV-PG) ABC's 1976 adaptation of Irwin Shaw's sprawling best-seller became an instant classic as well as the gold standard for the miniseries (at least until Roots came along). Here's a chance to view all 12 hours of the Nick Nolte-Peter Strauss opus.
6-7PM TREASURE! (A&E, TV-G) ''The Lost Dutchman Mine'' ponders the legendary mother lode discovered in Arizona's Superstition(!) mountain range back in the 1860s. (Some say the gold's still up in them thar hills.)
6-8PM BLOWUP (Turner Classic Movies, TV-PG) Antonioni's 1966 film lends itself to the word pop on any number of levels (not least of which are its Herbie Hancock score and an appearance by the Yardbirds). The murder mystery-slash-ultrahip time capsule stars David Hemmings, Vanessa Redgrave, and Sarah Miles.
7-9PM THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY (ABC, TV-G) In ''Safety Patrol,'' Bug Hall plays an 11-year-old who joins his school's security unit and discovers his cohorts are a bunch of bullies tied to a web of corruption leading all the way up to the cafeteria lady (Lainie Kazan)! ''Weird Al'' Yankovic, John ''America's Most Wanted'' Walsh, and Charlene Tilton costar.
8-8:30PM THE SIMPSONS (Fox, TV-PG) Homer, Barney, Moe and Apu join the Naval Reserve with a little help from stunt castings both predictable (Bob Denver as himself) and downright wacky (Rod Steiger as Captain Tenille).
8-9PM THE WARNER BROS. STORY (TNT) Turner does Warner; how's that for corporate synergy? Subtitled ''No Guts, No Glory: 75 Years of Award Winners'' and hosted by Dustin Hoffman, the four-part special unreels the history of the famed studio.
8:30-9PM DAMON (Fox, TV-PG-L) The Man of 1,000 Stereotypes, Wayans' alter-ego cop goes undercover with a take on a sub-articulate hoodlum from his In Living Color repertoire. Watch how many 10-dollar words he mispronounces!
9-10PM ALASKA'S BUSH PILOTS (TBS, TV-PG) My So-Called Life pinup boy Jared Leto gets a cockpit's-eye perspective on the awe-inspiring, treacherous livelihood.
9-11PM CHANCE OF A LIFETIME (CBS, TV-PG-D) Pantheonic sitcom vets John Ritter, Katey Sagal, and Jean Stapleton star in the romantic comedy about a couple (Ritter and Sagal) whose sham marriage -- perpetrated for the sake of obtaining health insurance -- evolves into the real thing.
9-10PM THE X-FILES (Fox, TV-PG) It's another homage to X's forerunner, The Night Stalker, when Mulder consults an ex-G-man (Darren McGavin) who worked on the Files during the '50s and may have information about Mulder Sr.'s dark dossier.
9-11PM DANGEROUS MINDS (ABC, TV-PG-L) Michelle Pfeiffer stars in the 1995 film as the committed ex-Marine-turned-high school teacher who tough-loves an inner-city class into submission.
10-11PM JERRY SPRINGER: BEHIND THE SCENES (E!, TV-PG-DLV) Having seen what Jerry subjects us to in those scenes, this look into the belly of the beast can't help but be somehow anticlimactic. But that doesn't mean it isn't good for a cringe or two.
SLEEPAWAY VERITE 5-5:30PM BUG JUICE (Disney Channel, TV-PG) Since grown-ups like to watch shows about real people living life in all its embarrassing splendor (a la MTV's The Real World), doesn't it follow that kids would like to do the same? Enter Bug Juice, a true story of everyday teens spending a summer making lanyards and playing tetherball at Maine's Camp Waziyatah. Filmed in the genre's trademark jerky style and fitted with an equally ''cool'' alterna-rock soundtrack, Juice exchanges sexual tension for giggly first crushes, and political differences for a basketball rivalry between crosstown camps. It's good, clean, voyeuristic fun. B+ -- Kristen Baldwin
NATIONAL EPIDEMIC, SOBER SOLUTION 9-10PM* MOYERS ON ADDICTION: CLOSE TO HOME (PBS) ''There's a line in Dante's Inferno where he defines hell as the place where someone yearns for what will kill them.'' Thus paraphrases Bill Moyers, who, inspired by his son's bout with, and subsequent recovery from, alcohol and drugs, lends his humble erudition to the five-part study. Central to the series' message is the need to apply a scientific, not judgmental approach to addiction. ''It's been 50 years since the AMA defined it as a disease,'' he says, ''and yet much of the country still tends to regard it as a sign of moral failure, a lack of willpower.'' Government and law enforcement also come in for their share of criticism: ''This notion of a war on drugs is false and misleading and dangerous. We need to change the military metaphor to a medical metaphor.'' That said, Moyers is not without a military analogy of his own: ''[It's] the Vietnam of our time. We keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.'' (Airs through March 31.) *CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS
