The Seinfeld Chronicles

Season 9: 1997/1998

149 THE BUTTER SHAVE
FIRST AIRED 9/25/97
WRITERS Berg/Schaffer/Mandel
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Kramer's latest fixation — butter as beauty aid — has Newman salivating. A limping George is hired by Play Now (a playground equipment manufacturer) because they think he's disabled. Jerry, fed up with Bania capitalizing on his standup lead-ins, ''throws'' a comedy set. Elaine and Puddy endure a nasty on-again, off-again thing on a trip home from Europe.
WISE CRACK George on faking a disability: ''I've always been handicapped, I'm just now getting the recognition for it.''
CREATIVE CASTING WKRP in Cincinnati's Gordon Jump as George's duped Play Now boss, Mr. Thomassoulo
Historic Moments Winding down their ''vacations from themselves,'' we get a brief glimpse of Jerry, George, and Kramer sporting summer mustaches.
CRITIQUE An auspicious season debut, thanks to Jerry's ''time-slot hit'' Bania subplot (which cleverly alludes to Seinfeld's ability to make top 10 residents out of the mediocre sitcoms following it — witness Veronica's Closet), George's hilarious, labor- and disability-mocking ''Morning Train'' sequence, and Elaine and Puddy's killer airplane sniping. A-

150 THE VOICE
FIRST AIRED 10/2/97
WRITERS Berg/Schaffer/Mandel
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Jerry's forced to choose between girlfriend Claire (Sara Rose Peterson) and ''the voice'' inspired by her belly button. George's Play Now coworkers get wise to his handicap scam and shun him. Kramer revives Kramerica Industries, requiring him to hire an intern. Jerry bets Elaine she'll ''backslide'' with Puddy after a ''bump into.'' (''You make each other miserable,'' he tells her. ''It's Kismet.'')
SEXUAL DEALING Jerry on detaching yourself from a relationship: ''Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.''
HISTORIC MOMENT Jerry smokes a cigar and wins money for a change (after repeated Puddy-Elaine reunions).
CRITIQUE Just two episodes after the intern bit in last season's finale and we've got another? And George's on-the-job bunker mentality is strictly been-there, done-that. Ironically, the silliest aspect of this episode — ''Helloooooo'' — is the one real gut buster. B-

151 THE SERENITY NOW
FIRST AIRED 10/9/97
WRITER Koren
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS George, pressed into service in his father's new computer business, is pitted against Lloyd Braun (114). Jerry's girlfriend Patty (Lori Loughlin) turns him into a touchy-feely monster after encouraging emotional openness (''I'm open,'' he retorts, ''there's just nothing in there''). Elaine's ''shiks-appeal'' tempts Lippman, his bar mitzvahed boy, Adam, and the local rabbi (106). With the help of Mr. Costanza's cast-off screen door, Kramer creates Anytown, USA, outside apartment 5B.
HISTORIC MOMENT Jerry has a feelings field day, crying (''What is this salty discharge?... This is horrible — I care!''), even loving (he asks Elaine to marry him, unsuccessfully).
CRITIQUE The episode heralds the ninth season's recycling of characters that never wowed us in the first place (Lippman, Braun) — not to mention Kramer's soon-to-be-tiresome reinventions of his apartment. And Frank Costanza's ''Serenity Now'' mantra inspired one of our own: ''Make it stop!'' C+

152 THE BLOOD
FIRST AIRED 10/16/97
WRITER O'Keefe
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS After withdrawing his blood from a bank, Kramer donates three pints to "blood brother" Jerry, victim of a freak knife accident. Jerry's confronted again with bullying trainer Izzy Mandelbaum (143) when his parents worry he's let himself go. "Fornicating gourmet" George attempts to simultaneously indulge three passions—food, sex, and TV—with girlfriend Tara (Audrey Kissel). Elaine desperately wants to prove herself a responsible babysitter to pal Vivian (Kellie Waymire), only to find herself in danger of a full-time gig.
CRITIQUE Mandelbaum may be the worst character ever foisted upon fans of this show. And that Kramer subplot was about as anemic as it gets. C-

153 THE JUNK MAIL
FIRST AIRED 10/30/97
WRITER Feresten
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Kramer's crusade against the U.S. mail gets him in hot water with the Feds. Elaine dumps Puddy to date tacky TV pitchman Jack (Toby Huss). After his parents "cut him loose," George goes to incestuous ends to regain their attention. Jerry walks on eggshells around summer-camp pal Fragile Frankie Merman (Working's Dana Gould), yet still manages to leave him in a neurotic hole.
CREATIVE CASTING The wonderfully gruff Wilford Brimley (Our House) as Postmaster General Henry Atkins
HISTORIC MOMENT We learn that George scripts his weekly phone call to his parents: "I need a couple anecdotes, a few 'You were right abouts.' It's a whole procedure."
CRITIQUE You wanna talk junk? You wanna talk diggin' a hole? Chockful of superficial rehashing, "Mail" makes us wanna go postal. (And while we're at it, isn't Fragile Frankie embarrassingly similar to Jerry's weepy pal Joel from episode 4?) D

154 THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW
FIRST AIRED 11/6/97
WRITER Bruce Eric Kaplan
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Kramer turns his life into a talk show after discovering the old Merv Griffin Show set in a dumpster. Jerry drugs girlfriend Celia (Julia Pennington) to take advantage of her priceless toy collection. Creepy new coworker Lou Filerman (Brent Hinkley) nearly "sidles" Elaine out of her Peterman job. George isn't getting any from his latest chick, thanks to run-ins with pigeons and a squirrel.
CREATIVE CASTING Talk-show vet and animal expert Jim Fowler (Wild Kingdom) makes an appearance on Kramer's "show."
CRITIQUE Among Kramer's increasingly prominent appearances this season (he even gets George's usual gig, the plum walk-and-talk teaser segment with Jerry), his homespun chat show—with sidekick Newman—is the comic zenith. We also love the metaphorical take on date rape, via Jerry's pursuit of playtime. The only obstacle to an ace: George's dopey pigeon histrionics. B

155 THE SLICER
FIRST AIRED 11/13/97
WRITERS Kavet/Robin/Henry
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Disappointed with the quality of New York City deli sandwiches, Kramer takes a DIY approach and buys a meat slicer. Jerry dates—and offends—life-saving, "pimple-popper M.D." Sara Sitarides (Marcia Cross). George gets hired by Kruger Industrial Smoothing, a shiftlessly run company after his own heart.
INTRODUCES Daniel Von Bargen (Before and After) as the awesomely daft Kruger.
CRITIQUE High points: A refreshing return to the show's interconnected plot structure; Elaine dances again. Low points: Everything else. C-

156 THE BETRAYAL
FIRST AIRED 11/20/97
WRITERS Mandel/Mehlman
DIRECTOR Ackerman
CRITIQUE The normally gimmick-free Seinfeld throws us a huge one—a backwards episode—with NBC's hype machine leading us to expect a classic. Within that letdown is our absolute loathing of Kramer's silly ''wish'' bit. That said, ''Betrayal'' is well above average; we especially liked the last (first?) two scenes, revisiting the George-Susan thing and Jerry's move into 5A 11 years ago.
HISTORIC MOMENT Jerry's fateful words upon meeting a flat-haired Kramer: ''We're neighbors—what's mine is yours.''
INTRODUCES Micheal McShane as Kramer-hating hot dog salesman Franklin Delano Romanowski.
SYNOPSIS Jerry and George accompany Elaine to the wedding of Sue Ellen Mischke (135). En route to the altar, we learn Elaine slept with the groom, Pinter, and Jerry with George's new flame, Nina (Justine Miceli). Stay-at-home Kramer is battling the ''drop dead'' birthday wish of FDR. B

157 THE APOLOGY
FIRST AIRED 12/11/97
WRITER Crittenden
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS George badgers recovering alcoholic acquaintance Jason ''Stanky'' Hanke for a ninth-step apology over a ''neck hole'' incident. Jerry discovers the difference between good naked (while brushing hair) and bad naked (while full-body flexing on a pickle jar), by way of his always-in-the-buff gal pal Melissa (Kathleen McClellan). Elaine's serial dating gives ''germaphobe'' coworker Peggy (Megan Cole) the creeps. Kramer turns his shower into a home inside a home.
WISE CRACK Elaine on nudity: ''The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. It's like a jeep.''
CREATIVE CASTING James Spader as dry drunk Hanke; Michael Fishman (Roseanne's D.J.). as a Baskin Robbins customer.
HISTORIC MOMENT Jerry admits he never rides his bike. ''It's just for show,'' he says. And here's a bit of trivia: This is the second episode featuring both recovering alcoholics and cashmere (see episode 29).
CRITIQUE It's amazing how quickly a show can plummet after getting off to a good start. Right around the time Jerry's impersonating an ape, it's bottoms up for ''Apology.'' B-

158 THE STRIKE
FIRST AIRED 12/18/97
WRITERS O'Keefe/Berg/Schaffer
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Kramer returns to H&H Bagels after a long-defunct 12-year strike. Cheapskate George has to decide whether to face society's holiday-season demands, or his father's made-up substitute, Festivus. Jerry dates Gwen (Karen Fineman), pretty one moment, ugly the next. Elaine—one sandwich short of a freebie at a local eatery—is hell-bent on achieving that goal.
CRITIQUE While the rest of ''Strike'' is as interminable as holiday dining with the family, Jerry's ''two-faced'' woman bit is downright insulting. All this, and gross underuse of guest star Kevin McDonald (The Kids in the Hall). Bah, humbug. D

159 THE DEALERSHIP
FIRST AIRED 1/8/98
WRITER Koren
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Jerry drags the gang to the 'burbs hoping to get an inside price on a Saab from car salesman Puddy. Meanwhile, a vein-popping-mad George sees his paranoid ''screw-gee'' fantasies realized, and Kramer goes on a Thelma & Louise-esque test-drive.
WISE CRACK Jerry, justifying his aversion to Puddy's high fiving: ''What do you think the Nazis were doing? That was the heil five!''
CRITIQUE George's one-note, Twix-fueled hysterics underscore Alexander's ninth-season predicament. Still, this pressure cooker is worth it for Warburton's Puddy, who's accomplished a Newmanesque insinuation into the ensemble. C+

160 THE REVERSE PEEPHOLE
FIRST AIRED 1/15/98
WRITER Feresten
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Kramer and Newman reverse the peepholes on their doors, to the agitation of super Silvio (Jon Polito). Elaine's disgusted to learn that Puddy wears a ''man fur.'' Jerry goes on a ''pocket diet,'' while George opts to keep his wallet ''morbidly obese.''
CREATIVE CASTING At a shindig, Jerry seeks an opinion on his de-walleted trousers from Keri— played by Jennette Robbins, the ''Nice pants'' chick in the ''Subway'' Dockers ad (yep, the same pants ads he disparages in episode 9).
HISTORIC MOMENT Newman shows up in his beloved Elaine's apartment.
CRITIQUE We wish we had a reverse TV so Jerry and Co. could see how nonplussed we are by the lack of any new themes here. A lone giggle: Jerry as a purse-carrying ''fancy boy.'' C+

161 THE CARTOON
FIRST AIRED 1/29/98
WRITER Kaplan
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Elaine becomes a cartoonist after discovering even The New Yorker's cartoon editor doesn't get the mag's jokes. Kramer's big mouth gets Jerry into more hot water with actress Sally Weaver (120), who then creates a smash, one-woman show entitled Jerry Seinfeld Is the Devil. Another homosexuality scare for George: In dating ''lady Jerry'' Janet (Tracy Nelson), he grudgingly comes to believe he has a subconscious thing for his best friend.
WISE CRACK Newman on Sally's show: ''It's so great to see a show that's about something.''
CREATIVE CASTING Paul Benedict (Harry Bentley, the highbrow neighbor from The Jeffersons) as Mr. Elinoff, The New Yorker's highbrow editor
HISTORIC MOMENT Oddly, the first time Jerry's buzzer rings this season
CRITIQUE This one should have been called ''The Reverse Peephole,'' as Seinfeld—by way of George's relationship, Sally's act (closely resembling a real anti-Jerry piece by New York performance artist Danny Hoch), and the New Yorker cartoon— takes a look at the critical dissection of a show about nothing. As Mr. Elinoff says, ''Cartoons are like gossamer—and one doesn't dissect gossamer.'' Guilty as charged. B-

162 THE STRONGBOX
FIRST AIRED 2/5/98
WRITERS O'Keefe/Billy Kimball
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS A robbery in the building has Kramer hiding—and re-hiding—his strongbox key in Jerry's apartment. In his efforts to end his relationship with one overly committed girlfriend (Alex Kapp), George gets saddled with another (Illeana Douglas). Elaine discovers the mysterious ''superhero'' she's been dating is destitute. Jerry enters a spiral of alienation with parrot-loving neighbor Phil (Louis Mustillo).
SEXUAL DEALING Jerry on breakup etiquette: ''Both parties don't have to consent to a breakup. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys.''
CRITIQUE If desecrating the grave of a parrot sounds like reaching, you're right. C-

163 THE WIZARD
FIRST AIRED 2/26/98
WRITER Steve Lookner
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS After a ''big Hollywood so-and-so'' options his coffee-table book for a movie, Kramer ''retires'' to Florida and proceeds to run for president of Jerry's parents' condo board. Elaine, on Puddy hiatus, schemes to find out whether new, beige beau Darryl (Samuel Bliss Cooper) is actually black. Susan's parents call George's bluff when he lies about having a spread in the Hamptons.
CRITIQUE One of the more fruitful elder Seinfeld appearances in a while; also refreshing to see Kramer indulging a flight of fancy out of his apartment (we especially liked the baby/elderly man-tickling sight gag in the campaign sequence). And this most Caucasian of shows finally addresses race—kinda; Elaine's guessing game turns into an interesting trip down White Liberal Guilt Lane. B

164 THE BURNING
FIRST AIRED 3/19/98
WRITER Crittenden
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Elaine gets back together with Puddy (she needed to move a bureau), only to discover he's a devout Christian who doesn't seem to care that his spiritually vacant girlfriend is going straight to hell. After George works the crowd at a Kruger meeting to mixed results, Jerry teaches him to leave 'em wanting more. Kramer and Mickey take a gig at Mount Sinai, interpreting diseases for med students. Jerry dates Sophie (Cindy Ambuehl), she of the mysterious Tractor Story, and (maybe) ''toe thumbs.''
SEXUAL DEALING Sophie's irksome ''It's me'' phone salutation prompts a discussion regarding over-familiarity, with Elaine inferring that only the closest of friends or long-term lovers are entitled to use the phrase.
CRITIQUE Jerry's Sophie is the faintest of flames; none of her tepid shtick quite ignites. But George's adoption of Vegas-style showmanship is, appropriately, his high note of the season, thanks to a script free of the excessive rage that's been dumbing his character down. B+

165 THE BOOKSTORE
FIRST AIRED 4/9/98
WRITERS Feresten/Henry/Jaffe
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS At a bookstore, Jerry catches Uncle Leo shoplifting, George uses a pricey art tome as bathroom reading and gets stuck with it, and Hong Kong-loving Kramer has another brainstorm: a rickshaw fleet, with the city's homeless as drivers. After making out with coworker (and, as she finds out, junkie) Zach at the annual Peterman party, Elaine pretends to be his girlfriend to avoid the label of ''office skank.''
WISE CRACK George on the righteousness of bookstore-bathroom reading: ''They're selling coffee, bran muffins, you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!''
HISTORIC MOMENTS We learn Jerry doesn't read on the can, his parents regularly steal batteries, and that Elaine and George share the same meaningless title at their jobs: associate. Plus (here's how anal we are), notice a third cashmere-addiction connection (29, 157) when Elaine asks a clerk if Zach's withdrawal puke can be removed from her sweater.
CRITIQUE Kramer's romp through Jerry's apartment (including another goof on Seinfeld's stand-up routine) is the cleverest opener of the season. We're also down with the Peterman party scene (his single funniest five seconds) and the Uncle Leo Cape Fear nightmare (smartly milking his ''Jerry, hello!''). Sounds funny, right? Sure, if we were grading these Cliffs Notes. C

166 THE FROGGER
FIRST AIRED 4/23/98
WRITERS Kavet/Robin/Koren/O'Keefe
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS George tries to preserve his legacy—high score (860,630) in the titular videogame—by purchasing the machine from his and Jerry's high school hangout, Mario's Pizza. After denouncing the daily cake parties at the office, Elaine satisfies her resulting 4 o'clock sugar dependency by unwittingly eating Peterman's $29,000 piece of the Duke and Duchess of Windsor's wedding cake. Jerry takes up with Lisi (Julia Campbell), a sentence-finisher (''It's like dating Mad Libs''), only to have her making assumptions about his seriousness.
WISE CRACK ''I had to take a sick day, I'm so sick of these people,'' says Elaine of her coworkers' forced socializing.
HISTORIC MOMENT Elaine attempts to replace Peterman's slice of history with an Entenmann's facsimile; given all the products plugged, how come it took so long getting around to New York's most pervasive store-bought cake brand?
CRITIQUE Desperate for highlights, we're glomming on to moments: Kramer's cordoned off crime-scene egg, George's real-life game of Frogger, and Elaine's pen-smelling reverie (like her touching a hot plate after someone says it's hot, we always appreciate her blink-and-you-missed-it comic myopia). As for the rest—including that tossed-off Lopper nonsense—game over. D

167 THE MAID
FIRST AIRED 4/30/98
WRITERS Berg/Schaffer/Mandel
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS Elaine and Kramer (and eventually the NYPD) accuse Jerry of being a john when he continues to pay his maid, Cindy (Angela Featherstone), even after they're only sleeping together. George's pursuit of a nickname, T-Bone, is doomed when a Kruger coworker co-opts it, leaving him with Koko the Monkey, then Gammy. Kramer struggles with the demands of a long-distance relationship when his girlfriend, Madeline (Christina Haag), moves downtown. Elaine unwittingly impersonates a dead woman to avoid getting saddled with Manhattan's dreaded new 646 area code.
HISTORIC MOMENT All four sit at Monk's counter, revealing why it never happened before: Simple conversation turns into a game of telephone.
CRITIQUE This one recalls the good old days: classically structured, nicely modulated, and amusing as hell (e.g., Jerry forcing Elaine to actually say ''Kaboom!'' while playing Battleship). Seinfeld has always excelled at skewering supposedly sophisticated New Yorkers' provincialism, as in Elaine's sad-but-true 646 fear and Kramer's absurd sweet sorrow over Madeline's mere three-mile relocation. B+

168 THE PUERTO RICAN DAY
FIRST AIRED 5/7/98
WRITERS Crittenden/Feresten/Berg/Schaffer/ Mandel/Kaplan/Koren/Kavet/ Robin/O'Keefe
DIRECTOR Ackerman
SYNOPSIS En route home from a Mets game, the foursome are stuck in the madre of all New York traffic jams, thanks to the eponymous annual procession.
HISTORIC MOMENTS We learn Elaine attended Tufts University. Also, the only time George's, Kramer's, and Jerry's respective alter egos—Messrs. Vandelay, A.G. Pennypacker, and Kel Varnsen—appear together.
CREATIVE CASTING Marc Hirschfeld as Elaine's (very) momentary bleachers paramour. And John Paragon and Yul Vazquez (110) return to bully Kramer.
CRITIQUE Although they each go off on fruitless solo digressions, this is ultimately one last visit to the ''Chinese Restaurant.'' It's also the very definition of too many cooks (see writers above) spoiling the broth. D

169 The Finale
FIRST AIRED 5/14/98
WRITER David
DIRECTOR Andy Ackerman
SYNOPSIS NBC finally wants to air Jerry and George's sitcom pilot; the foursome hop aboard the network's private jet, but the plane must emergency-land in Latham, Mass., where they witness an obese man being carjacked. After mocking the victim (and videotaping the crime) the four are arrested, brought to trial for ''criminal indifference'' (with Jackie Chiles as defense counsel, natch), and found guilty.
HISTORIC MOMENTS As their jet plummets, George admits to lying about winning the Contest (meaning Jerry won); Judge Arthur Vandelay presides over the quartet's ''Good Samaritan'' trial, and Jerry and George echo the very conversation that opened the series (i.e., Jerry's belief that the second button is the most important on a shirt; as he said in episode 1, if it's too high, ''you look like you live with your mother''). Oh, yes, and after bedding Sidra (Teri Hatcher) of episode 57, Chiles confirms ''they're real.''
CREATIVE CASTING Nearly every supporting character you'd ever want to see again (and a few you didn't) show up to testify as to the foursome's callousness. Peter Riegert as suitably fatuous NBC exec James Kimbrough.
CRITIQUE Like taking your doctoral exam in Seinology — and about as funny. Talk about sour grapes: Returning cocreator David turns spiteful, unforgiving moralist, making Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer pay for all their years of ''selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed.'' David took the idea that these are essentially unlikable people and ran with it, mainly leaving out the jokes (best moment: Jerry's dad owning up to digging Xena: Warrior Princess). But mostly, retribution prevailed: It's as if David forgot that in nearly every episode invoked, the gang was made to suffer for whatever wrongdoing they committed. It's not as if Jerry got off scot-free for mugging that old woman for her marble rye; as if George didn't pay for going cheap on those wedding invitations. This crew led miserable lives, and we relished their exceptional pettiness. That they should be punished for all the vicarious fun we had at their expense is David's way of saying we never should have made these cruel losers Must See-worthy. From the episode's start (an oddly paced coffee-shop scene) to an ending that was like a Samuel Beckett first draft, the show's swan song was off-key and bloated. George says at one point, ''If you're bleak, you're bleak,'' and we agree; the best Seinfelds over nine years were dark with the blackest of humor. But this episode's new running jokes (Elaine making a health inquiry via cell phone, Geraldo Rivera as commentator) were lame. Ultimately, Seinfeld and David's kiss-off was a hearty, ''So long, suckers!'' But, hey, Jerry's jailhouse bit over the final credits was boffo. Loved the new material, Jer. C-