The Older, The Bitter

Seinfeld might be shrugging off its mortal coil, but we believe it will continue to live on in some parallel universe. Which made us wonder: What would a script from the year 2033 look like, with our heroes hovering around 70? Our guess: pretty much the same. Weren't these four characters 16 going on geriatric anyway? Kramer might be coming through apartment 5A's door a little slower, and Jerry would have switched to softer cereals. But ultimately, the kibitzing and complaining, the wisecracking and squabbling, would still be their raison d'etre.

And when you think about it, with age comes even better reasons to be cranky. With that in mind, we offer a scene from episode No. 939, ''The Gums,'' with this brief update as background. None of them are married (natch). Jerry and Kramer still live in their respective apartments, with more frequent pop-ins from new neighbor Elaine, who inherited Newman's lease after he finally got his Hawaii transfer. As for George, he's contending with a nursing home, a roommate, and a common bathroom. Got the picture?

EPISODE No. 939: THE GUMS

INT.: JERRY'S LIVING ROOM, AROUND NOON
JERRY is preparing a cup of tea at the kitchen counter. ELAINE is seated on the couch. A supremely irritated GEORGE stomps through Jerry's door — via his walker.

GEORGE
I can't go on like this! You know what it's like to walk around all day feeling like you're sitting on a fire hydrant? What am I gonna do? I can't live without her!

ELAINE
Who? Cynthia? The one with the cataracts who smells like Ben-Gay? I thought you couldn't stand her.

JERRY
He can't live without her bathroom.

GEORGE
Look, I can't stand her, and she's not so crazy about me either. But she's got a private bathroom and I don't. And she's in the wheelchair, so it's handicapped-size. And the Impressionistic painting over the sink — you know how those soothing pastoral images loosen me up....

JERRY
Enough!

ELAINE
So you're going to continue seeing someone you hate just so you can use her toilet?

GEORGE
Yes! Yes, I am! My health's at stake here, if you don't mind!

Visibly agitated, KRAMER stumbles in, waving a check.

KRAMER
Social Security — what a scam!

JERRY
(Rolling his eyes) Here we go...

KRAMER
Look at this, Jerry...look at it!! They expect us to live on this?

JERRY
Didn't you make any money on that Beech-Nut lawsuit, when you chipped your tooth on the pit in the prune whip?

KRAMER
It's the principle, Jerry!

ELAINE
(Her nose buried in the newspaper) Yeah, well, things are tough all over, Kramer. Whaddaya gonna do about it?

KRAMER
Oh, I've already done something about it, sister....

(GEORGE, JERRY, and ELAINE look at each other expectantly)

GEORGE
Okay, I'll bite.... And that would be ?

KRAMER
The 401Kramer. See, instead of cashing in all those recyclable bottles and cans at the supermarket, Kramerica picks 'em up, redeems them, and invests the cash in mutual funds. And because I've based Kramerica in Michigan, the Land of the 10-Cent Deposit, we'll get a maximum return on your money from the get-go. I got it up and running last month. Bob Sacamano is drumming up business down in Florida. Newman's running the Oahu office.