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It's a daunting crisis. How to quench our thirst during the sweltering weeks ahead? Don't worry. TV's here to help! The summer months overflow with flashy, occasionally persuasive soft-drink ads. Here's a taste of those that bubble and those that fall flat:
GATORADE Blood, Sweat, and Tears Haven't sneaker spots covered this ground? Grimacing jocks, pulsating music, an inspirational voice-over (''Sometimes you just have to want it more''). The twist: These athletes are sweating and bleeding Gatorade colors (neon orange, electric blue, etc.). Big deal. Pampers ads have been featuring blue bodily fluids for years now. C+
MILK Ballad Becoming lactose intolerant to those ubiquitous celebrities and their milk mustaches? Drink in the industry's less-homogenized TV ads. The most recent campaign centers on Drysville, a town without milk. The color-drained images are amusing enough: One boy ogling a pinup of a milk jug, another pouting at a milk-free birthday party. But the ad's plaintive lyrics and Janis Joplin-like tune strike a truly hilarious note: ''Don't give me no baked goods until things get better/My corn flakes are cardboard/Cake tastes like a sweater.'' A-
SPRITE Sun Fizz Sprite's ''Obey Your Thirst'' campaign has given us some of the best commercial parodies since a certain pink bunny drummed onto the scene. The soft drink spoofed the PC mind-set with an ad for a foul-tasting bean- curd-based cola, and has tweaked the cheesy Zamfir and his magic flute. (Not the freshest targets -- but the execution was clever.) The masterpiece, though, has to be this Wes Craven-meets-the Pillsbury Doughboy spot: A helium-voiced cartoon sun (the mascot for the fictional Sun Fizz fruit drink) comes to life and terrorizes a three-dimensional mom and her kids. ''Hey, what's with you people?! I've got vitamins and minerals!'' the cute guy squeals as the family runs screaming. A twisted, sunny delight. A
PEPSI All the Luck Maybe I've outgrown the Pepsi generation, but this ad for the cola's new contest leaves me baffled. As a Rod Stewart tune blares, a doe-eyed nightclub vixen seduces a dweeby guy with Pepsi bottle caps inscribed with snippets of catchphrases (e.g., Hasta la vista, baby). Huh? Adding to the confusion: The actor playing the dork (Sean P. Hayes) will star on NBC's witty, uncloseted fall sitcom Will & Grace, as a guy no female vixen could seduce. C-
MUG ROOT BEER None of This The idea behind this frenetic spot seems to be that root beer -- like crack -- makes you really violent. The plot: A boxing ref slurps down a prefight Mug, then demonstrates to the contenders exactly what they aren't supposed to do -- bite, crunch, and kick. ''The foam goes straight to your brain,'' the tag line explains... sort of. As brutal as your average Jerry Springer episode and just as pointless. D
MOUNTAIN DEW Lost Even Madison Avenue has realized that extreme sports have become a commercial cliche. Hence this clever bit of mockery. The black-and-white faux-'50s spot features a toothy dufus of an announcer praising the drink's ''citrus flavors.'' Then he adjusts his tie and skydives off a nearby ledge. As the spot itself says, ''Dew-rrific.'' B+
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