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Hey, Mr. Valenti! Kids aren't the only ones who need a ratings system. TV is a minefield of bad writing, bad jokes, and bad hairdos that cries out for red flags for adults. Here are our suggestions for a content-driven system that would make TV viewing safe for everyone. -- A.J. Jacobs and Mary Kaye Schilling
-- CNR (Charles Nelson Reilly) The following program contains a cameo appearance from a kitschy B star or scandal survivor (a la Tammy Faye Bakker).
-- XFR (X-Files Rip-Off) The following show is a blatant attempt at cashing in on a cult phenomenon.
-- OEHB (Overpaid Eighties Has-Been) The following program contains a pricey performance by the star of a Reagan-era sitcom.
-- AR (Andy Rooney) The following program contains frequently offensive and always unfunny remarks by a ''commentator'' of a certain age.
-- PC (Paid Commercial) The following program masquerades as a talk or news show while shamelessly plugging a book, movie, or network personality (a la The Rosie O'Donnell Show devoting an hour to Jerry Maguire, or the probing report on Jay Leno's monologue for Dateline NBC).
-- SCW (Sub-Coach Writing) The following program contains punchlines excavated from Pleistocene bedrock.
-- ESP (Excessive Spiritual Propaganda) The following program is so life affirming you may want to kill yourself.
-- SS (Spelling Spawn) The following program contains one or more of Aaron Spelling's children.
-- OEKB (Old Enough to Know Better) The following program contains adult actors pretending to be teenagers (see Beverly Hills, 90210 and Urkel).
-- HZI (Herskovitz-Zwick Influenced) The following program contains earnestly mushy encounters between upwardly mobile white people.
