'ROCKIN' ROLES

Art Imitates Rock: Character stoned throughout most of movie. Dated Sharon Stone in real life.

Musical Contribution: Joins blues guitarist Ian Moore, Colonel Bruce Hampton, and alt-rock cult hero Vic Chesnutt in intentionally bad garage band

Grade: A

LIONEL RICHIE

Day Job: Singer who, after flexing funk muscles with the Commodores, devolved into black Perry Como of the Reagan era

Movie: The Preacher's Wife

Role: Britsloe, smarmy owner of a local jazz joint

Command Performance: To Houston's character, wistfully says "Those were the good old days" with ironic insight into own real-life static career

Art Imitates Rock: Has brief cameo in film, much like current standing in pop scene

Musical Contribution: Houston and her pipes hog the film, forcing Richie to pretend he's playing piano for the greatest diva of all

Grade: B-

MADONNA

Day Job: Alanis Morissette boss, new mom, perennial paparazzi victim, Prada devotee, sought-after talk-show guest, and occasional singer and actress

Movie: Evita

Role: Eva Peron, ruthlessly ambitious politician's wife deified by Argentineans

Command Performance: Lushly produced musical better qualifies Madonna for Best Long Form Video (La Isla Evita?) category at the Grammys

Art Imitates Rock: One-named, career-driven egomaniac? Sorry--no similarities here.

Musical Contribution: Sings Andrew Lloyd Webber tunes with perfect enunciation. Next stop--a road production of Sunset Boulevard?

Grade: B+

DONNIE WAHLBERG

Day Job: Onetime lunch-box idol as member of faux-thugs-in-harmony quintet New Kids on the Block

Movie: Ransom

Role: New kidnapper on the block Cubby Barnes, who aids in snatching child of billionaire Mel Gibson

Command Performance: Shiftily moves through a bodega, avoiding cops' scrutiny, and asks, with the subtle desperation of a starving Marlon Brando, "Got any Frankenberry cereal, the one with strawberries in it?"

Art Imitates Rock: Bungling character has very short life span, much like NKOTB

Musical Contribution: Plays a boom box--but songs are by Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corgan

Grade: B+

DAVID BOWIE

Day Job: Iconoclastic, sexually ambiguous pop-culture artiste

Movie: Basquiat

Role: Iconoclastic, sexually ambiguous pop-culture artiste Andy Warhol--with a slight British accent

Command Performance: During moment of heightened artistic inspiration, gushes to "relieved" assistant: "That's great, Frank--can you, I don't know, whiz over here?"

Art Imitates Rock: Bewigged, graying weirdo could easily be Ziggy Stardust: The Geritol Years

Musical Contribution: Singsongy line delivery more musical than all three Tin Machine albums combined

Grade: B