1 THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK You don't hear ''I'd really like to direct'' at Mortons anymore. Now it's ''I'd really like to restore.''
2 KATHIE LEE'S CONTRACT Will she keep working five hours a week for scads of money? They'd better come up with a better deal than that.
3 FOOLS RUSH IN Matthew Perry marries a one-night stand after learning she's pregnant. The title refers to the audience.
4 THAT DARN CAT An update of the Disney classic whereby a cat leads an FBI investigation. Based on a true story, no doubt.
5 PAMELA LEE She was mobbed at a Belgian Pizza Hut opening. Who knew so many people were sick of eating that crappy local French food?
6 MARTHA STEWART She's bought control of her magazine from Time Warner. She held a glue gun on the execs until they caved.
7 ABSOLUTE POWER Who'll believe a thief who says he saw the President commit murder? Every talk-show host in America.
8 THE GRAMMYS Toni Braxton can't perform because she appeared on a competing show. What do they think they're running, a popularity contest?
9 VEGAS VACATION The Griswolds visit the latest family resort. Just remember, don't cut in line at Prostitute Mountain.
10 KATHARINE GRAHAM Personal History tells of one woman's struggle from money and privilege to wealth and power.
11 BOWIE BONDS Ziggy Stardust raised $55 million on Wall Street against future earnings. Too bad they never mature.
12 IRS It spent billions on computers that can't do the job. Now it'll have to spend billions on humans who can't do the job.
13 BUCKINGHAM PALACE Reports say the place is infested with mice. The Royal Family's thisclose to becoming a Jeff Foxworthy routine.
14 SCHINDLER'S LIST The network premiere will run without interruption. Except Tea Leoni will play the Liam Neeson part.
15 PIZZA The tomato sauce reportedly slashes the risk of prostate cancer. Now most men can die of a heart attack first.
