Ghosts in the Machine

One highly bizarre feature of today's Web is the expanding number of sites whose creators have abandoned them, rather than having spent the excruciatingly long hours necessary to keep them up to date. Like crewless drifting hulks, these ''ghost sites'' — unfettered by Web regulation — pose a pesky nuisance to Net navigation. And they can persist for years because taking them down is much more time-consuming than letting them drift like so much cyber-space junk. Here, then, are some of the Web's moldiest sites. It's amazing how natural they look in repose.

WOODSTOCK-94.COM
(http://metaverse.com/woodstock/index. html#live) Yes, folks, Woodstock '94 is still going on, or so this ''official'' site would have you believe. Here you can follow a breathless ''countdown'' to the concert, study detailed maps of the grounds so you and your minivan don't get stuck in the mud, and tune in to a ''live'' chat channel to hear the latest news. Woodstock-94.Com proves you don't need LSD to experience flashbacks and sensory disorientation anymore.

WWW TV BYTES
(http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/kennyp/ tv2/tvtemp.html) Sometimes, you'll find a website that's actually been murdered, such as WWW TV Bytes, once an encyclopedia of TV themes from the '50s and '60s. All was well until sharpeyed copyright holders bombarded site creator Patrick Kenny with complaints, which caused him to deep-six the whole thing. Most recent update: Christmas '96.

THE CABLE GUY
(www.thecableguy.com) Nothing really can excuse the continuing existence of this sprawling site devoted to 1996's Flop of Flops. ''The Cable Guy is now playing at a theater near you,'' screams the prehistoric copy. The only thing to scream back: ''Liar, Liar!''

TEN CELEBRITY WAKE-UP ON-LINE SERVICE CENTER
(http:// alphabase.com/ten/pubcnfg.html) What a terrific idea for a celebrity-oriented service: Just fill out an electronic form and a computer impersonating a celebrity will greet you with a chirpy wake-up. Today, the site is littered with malfunctioning pages and cryptic computer errors. Could it be that people are unwilling to pay a few bucks to hear Jim Morrison call to invite them out for a breakfast beer? Sad, because I'd pay hard cash to have Bruce Willis — even a computerized Bruce Willis — yell at my boss at 6:30 in the morning. Wouldn't you?