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BOBBY: Well, aside from my dad and Jesus Christ, I'd have to say Colonel Sanders. He single-handedly won the war against dry chicken.

PEGGY: Personally, I have never found an American hero to match the great Baby Jessica. I hope you'll join me in wishing her "well."

EW: What's must-see TV in your house?

HANK: I think the whole idea of "must-see TV" is kind of silly. I mean, sure we watch TV every night, but if Walker, Texas Ranger is a rerun, then we'll just flip channels.

EW: Peg, you can be a tough cookie. For instance, you taught sex ed against your husband's wishes. Do you consider yourself a feminist?

PEGGY: Oh, no. I'm all for equality, but with my armpits shaved clean, thank you.

EW: How is El Nino going to affect your lives there in Arlen?

PEGGY: We don't eat there anymore.

HANK: No, not since they changed ownership and Bobby got the food poisoning.

BOBBY: We could still go there.

EW: What makes you cry?

HANK: Jalapeno in the eyeball. And Brian's Song, of course.

EW: I understand you were born and raised in Arlen. It must be a nice place to live.

HANK: I tell you whut, Arlen is a great place to live, but I'm not gonna say much more about that. I don't want to give those bastards at Disney any ideas about where to build their next theme park.

EW: What's something about Texas that most people don't know?

BOBBY: Brian Benben makes his home here. But you probably knew that.

EW: What would you do for a living if there was no propane, Hank?

HANK: I'd probably spend most of my time lying around with a bullet in my head. Now ask me a real question. EW: Okay. Where do you stand on capital punishment?

HANK: Right up next to the switch, if I could.

EW: I see. Another political question: How do you feel about President Clinton's initiative on volunteerism?

HANK: Just fine. I think it's an excellent idea. The sooner he volunteers to step down, the sooner we can put a more "qualified" man in the White House, if you catch my drift.

EW: Luanne, we know your mother is presently incarcerated for trying to kill your father with a fork. He survived and is at work on an oil rig. Tell us how he's doing. Has he been there for you?

LUANNE: Oh, absolutely. I mean, he hasn't called or written or anything, but he's been right there for me.

EW: Peggy, you're a substitute Spanish teacher...

PEGGY: Si.

EW: Why a substitute teacher? Why not teach full-time?

PEGGY: A full-time teacher only has 24 students a year. A substitute teacher may have hundreds. So you can just get off your high horse.

EW: Let's talk a little about the Hills' relationship. What is the secret to a successful marriage?

HANK: The main thing is, don't get too personal. A certain emotional distance, that's what keeps things spicy.

PEGGY: Don't be afraid to lower your expectations. That way, everyone's a winner.


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