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1 MICHAEL JACKSON'S DIVORCE He wanted to stay together for the sake of the kids.
2 FERGIE The duchess is broke? Let's hope she doesn't end up on the dole, taking taxpayer money for doing nothing.
3 THE WHITEWATER INVESTIGATION ''Mrs. Clinton, please tell the committee where you were the night Nicole Brown was killed.''
4 SWIMSUIT ISSUES Every magazine has one, and yet you can never find a story about swimming. Go figure.
5 DONAHUE After 29 years, the talk-show host quits. He wants to put his feet up, wear a dress, and relax like a regular guy.
6 HOCKEY PUCK ENHANCEMENT Fox makes it easier to follow the boring little thing on TV. CBS wants one for all its shows.
7 HELEN GURLEY BROWN The longtime Cosmo editor has stepped down. She's working on a new book, Sex and the Single Girl: Don't Break a Hip.
8 POSTGAME SWEARING Where do pro football players learn to talk like that? It's probably a college course that's easy to pass.
9 BELIEVE IT OR NOT! Rubbing a fetish doll in the Ripley museum causes pregnancy? Sure, if you're having sex at the time.
10 ELIZABETH TAYLOR The movie star relaunches her Black Pearls perfume. Men can't resist the smell of bivalve by-products.
11 SCREAMERS Weapons that kill humans take over an entire planet. So we don't have to waste time doing it ourselves.
12 CUERVO NATION A tequila company wants to make its own country out of an island. First one to eat the worm gets to be prez.
13 THE KRAMER REALITY TOUR You visit all the Seinfeld hot spots. Pinch me! Is this the parking garage?!?
14 BIG BULLY Tom Arnold plays a sadistic teacher. He makes his pupils watch him perform.
15 SEX PISTOLS REUNION If you missed them the first time around, here's your chance to miss them again.
