''Yeah, well, just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.'' -- Rachel (Jennifer Aniston), after her mom (Marlo Thomas) spied the Ugly Naked Guy playing the cello, on Friends
''It's a list I made up when I was 12 of things I wanted to do before I die. Omigod. How embarrassing. No. 1: Touch a boobie.'' -- Drew Carey on The Drew Carey Show
''Lisa Marie has filed for divorce. According to her attorney she's going to make him pay through the noses.'' -- Conan O'Brien on Late Night
''George Burns turned 100 years old today. I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.''
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