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''WHY DO people feel they have to get drunk on St. Patrick's Day? That's an insult to all the millions of Irish people that don't drink -- the ones that are in AA.'' -- Colin Quinn on Saturday Night Live
''NBA PLAYER Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf has changed his mind and now says he will stand for the national anthem -- unless it's being sung by Kathie Lee Gifford.'' -- Conan O'Brien on Late Night
''STEVE FORBES has dropped out of the presidential race. Reportedly, Forbes was so despondent he was overheard saying 'I feel like a million bucks.''' -- Norm MacDonald on SNL
''ME THINKETH you stinketh.'' -- Tim (Tim Allen) on his wife's performance as Juliet, on Home Improvement
