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1 STARBUCKS United Airlines now serves its coffee. A switch from vacuum-cleaner dirt in water.
2 THE FINAL FOUR Tickets are going for up to $8,000. Scalpers' kids will go to much better colleges than yours will.
3 THE NEW $100 BILL They've changed everything about it. Even the name. It's called a ''20.''
4 CHRISTOPHER DARDEN Call the Guinness Book of Records. His closing argument is now entering its sixth month.
5 TOBACCO COMPANIES Ex-employees can't wait to squeal. My local restaurant already has a ''no whistle-blower'' section.
6 MAD-COW DISEASE Europeans are afraid British beef will hurt them. Look what it did to the royals.
7 ROSS PEROT He may run for President or he may not. But if he wins, he'll make the tough choices. Or he may not.
8 THE GRAND CANYON They have to release water from a dam to cause flooding. On the Mississippi, all you have to do is build a house.
9 IMUS Radio's other bad boy made a glaring faux pas at the annual Washington press corps dinner. He told the truth.
10 MICHAEL JACKSON At his amusement parks, you'll have to be taller than this sign to ride the Giant Glove.
11 SAME-SEX MARRIAGES Only San Francisco has made them legal. Unlike no-sex marriages, which are legal everywhere.
12 ACADEMY AWARDS People playing drunks, prostitutes, and murderers all took home Oscars. It's so nice to be honored by your peers.
13 NASH BRIDGES Don Johnson plays a totally different kind of investigator than he did on Miami Vice. He wears socks.
14 SGT. BILKO Huckster Steve Martin thinks the Army exists only for him to make money. He'll make a fine defense contractor.
15 OLIVER STONE Trying to get publicity for Mexican rebels, he spent Oscar night with them. So, who did their masks
