Substitute Features

Coming soon to a theater near you: My Mother the Car: The Motion Picture. Just joshin' — although possibly not for long. Thanks to such box office bonanzas as The Brady Bunch Movie and Mission: Impossible, Hollywood is recycling pretty much every TV show of yore, including The A-Team, Green Acres, and The Love Boat. Tinseltown execs must surely be agonizing over casting choices — only why bother when we have it all figured out?

The Love Boat (recently in development at New Line)

Follicularly deprived Capt. Merrill Stubing (Gavin MacLeod): Follicularly deprived Enterprise captain Patrick Stewart.

Walrus-mustachioed bartender Isaac Washington (Ted Lange): Walrus-mustachioed Pulp Fiction bard Samuel L. Jackson.

Wonder-bread purser ''Gopher'' Smith (Fred Grandy): Wonder Yearsalum Fred Savage.

Perky, kid-loving cruise director Julie McCoy (Lauren Tewes): Perky, kid-loving Mad About You star Helen Hunt.

Creepy ship doctor Adam Bricker (Bernie Kopell): Creepshow star Leslie Nielsen.

The A-Team (in development at Universal)

Almost-bald badass Sgt. Bosco ''B.A.'' Baracus (Mr. T): Completely bald badass Striptease star Ving Rhames.

Ballsy Lieut. Templeton ''Faceman'' Peck (Dirk Benedict): Spaceballs star Bill Pullman.

Wacky asylum resident Capt. H.M. Murdock (Dwight Schultz): Wacky Seinfeld resident Michael Richards.

Gun-toting wannabe actor Col. John ''Hannibal'' Smith (George Peppard): Real-life Naked Gun actor Leslie Nielsen.

Green Acres (in development at Twentieth Century Fox)

Park Avenue-loving European Lisa Douglas (Eva Gabor): Park Avenue-loving European Ivana Trump.

Brainy porker Arnold the pig: Brainy porker Babe the pig.

Smarmy country salesman Mr. Haney (Pat Buttram): Smarmy McDonald's salesman Phil Hartman.

White-haired funny-farm inhabitant Oliver Wendell Douglas (Eddie Albert): White-haired funny farm-worthy actor Leslie Nielsen.