--That all evidence will surely wind up destroyed whenever an alien is involved.

--That odds are good Mulder or Scully will shine a flashlight or creep through an abandoned warehouse.

--That when Mulder wakes Scully up with a phone call, it will invariably be 11:21 p.m.

--That even though Scully and Mulder are gun-toting G-people, their badges will be strangely ineffectual (everyone from Atlantic City flatfoots to hospital orderlies disses them).

--That Cancer Man can smoke everywhere that no one else can. (Maybe the ultimate power in government really is the tobacco lobby.)

Like any love object, The X-Files drives you crazy and keeps you crawling back for more. Luckily, 12 episodes are now out on video, with six more due in February. And when the show begins syndication next fall, we'll no doubt be ready to repeat the process. Just keep your myopic dissection of the show to yourself. "It's dispiriting," groans Gordon. "Please watch the show. Enjoy it. But leave it alone!"

Sorry, dude. Never happen.


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