Home
1. Dust Mites
Why worry about bugs that are too small to see? Besides, my cockroaches will eat them.
2. Newark, N.J.
The most dangerous city in the country,
according to one magazine. That's going to kill its tourist
business.
3. Martha Stewart Christmas Special
She's not planning to give birth, is she?
4. Office Parties
Try to act with dignity, decency, and decorum.
Even if you are a lawyer.
5. Crash
Britain wants to ban this film about twisted sickos who
get turned on by auto accidents. Over here it'll be called
NASCAR Fans.
6. Everyone Says I Love You
Woody Allen, Julia Roberts, and
Goldie Hawn sing. It's the Three Tin Ears.
7. Carnival Cruises
They've banned rowdy, drunken groups of
unaccompanied teens. For that, you'll have to stay in college.
8. Friends
The stars of the hit show have a verbal agreement not
to sleep with each other. Why didn't we think of that at our
office?
9. Fergie
She's entertaining offers to host her own show. I
didn't know they were bringing back Queen for a Day.
10. Disney
A movie it's releasing about the Dalai Lama has China
very upset. So upset that the Chinese may not bootleg copies of
the film.
11. Daylight
Sly Stallone saves hundreds of New York commuters
trapped in a tunnel. A million others sue him for holding up
traffic.
12. Jack Palance
He's written a book of poetry. It's what he does
with his free hand while doing push-ups.
13. Babe
They're considering a sequel to the 1995 hit. It would
be called Babe II: The Other White Meat.
14. Tickle Me Elmo
The must-get doll this Christmas. Hide him in
the creche — the kids will never look there.
15. Bankrupt Burt
The top box office star of the '70s has had to
reorganize his finances. He may have to move into a smaller ego.
