''If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after 20-year-old boy or else I'll be my mother.''
-Chandler (Matthew Perry) on Friends
''This kid said, 'Hey, that's the guy from Seinfeld!' Which guy from Seinfeld? George's mother is the closest I come to.''
-David Hyde Pierce on Late Night
''Last Friday, Oprah admitted she once did crack and the people applauded and her ratings went up....I did crack too. A lot of it. In fact, I did some right before the show.''
-Jon Stewart on The Jon Stewart Show
''If anyone can make pandas mate, it's the San Diego Zoo. And if that works, they're going to try Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.''
-Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect