1.The Academy Awards One billion people will be watching around the world. That's if the Simpson trial doesn't run late. 2.The O.J. Trial The difference between a lawyer joke and F. Lee Bailey? One's boorish and insensitive, the other's just a joke.
3.Beanbag-Chair Recall Children have died ingesting the stuffing. Not only are the chairs in bad taste, they taste bad.
4.Tank Girl The sexy comic-strip heroine hits the big screen. Having to know how to read was limiting her male audience.
5.Female Boxers Remember, no hitting below or above the belt. Air-kiss and come out fighting.
6.Major Payne Damon Wayans plays an ex-Marine who can't adjust to civilian life. He isn't used to seeing so many guns.
7.Sam Donaldson He got government subsidies for his sheep ranch. You didn't expect him to get by on that lousy $2 million salary, did you?
8.Tommy Boy A pea-brained twit is trained to take over his father's business. What luck. Most companies have to go outside to find one.
9.Portuguese Man-OF-WarS Will the jellyfish invasion spoil the fun of spring breakers on the Florida beaches? Only if they get in the beer.
10.Gump Products Now you can buy Gump shrimp cookbooks and chocolates. What's next? Stock tips?
11.O.J. Ratings The 15 top-rated cable shows are broadcasts of the trial. Imagine how bad their regular programs must be.
12.Affirmative Action Oh, those poor, oppressed white men. Hard to believe they didn't invent the blues.
13.New Beatles Tunes Paul McCartney says the Fab Three have been recording again. They're thinking of a new name. Like Boyz II Very Old Men.
14.David Letterman Like Carson, he's hosting the Oscars. The only thing left is to marry a woman named Joanna.
15.March Madness The NCAA basketball play-offs. It must take a great school to teach a kid how to throw a ball through a hoop.
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