GILT TRIPS

We understand that tension induces poor judgment. But now that the stars have had their beauty sleep, we'd like to offer some advice for next time. When we say the Oscars are about glitter, we don't mean it literally. When we say the event is huge, we don't mean you should be too. Steven Seagal, Elton John, and Quincy Jones: Leave the jeweled collar studs at home. To the moth-backed Oprah Winfrey, the bustle-butted Sigourney Weaver, and the hoop-skirted Sharon Stone: It's a long ceremony -- don't you want to be able to sit? And Tim Robbins -- well, we just don't have time to get into it. Above all, try to keep your wit about you, as did Priscilla, Queen of the Desert's Oscar winner Lizzy Gardiner, who counted 254 American Express Gold Cards as her armor. Remember: The stars who shine are, on the whole, the ones whose clothing doesn't.