THE WORLD COULD BE YOUR OYSTER

Dear Mr. Hasselhoff: Surely you too have pondered the dark irony of your musical career: In Germany, you're as big as Elvis (thanks to the Teutonic TV cult following for Baywatch and Knight Rider); in your own homeland, you can't get arrested. So, how is it that the equally vanilla John Tesh can go gold, while your CDs tend to wind up being used as Frisbees on college quads? With the release this week ! of your second U.S. platter, David Hasselhoff, allow us to offer some tips for succeeding Stateside. *Make use of materials at hand. Slap Baywatch costar Pamela Anderson on the CD cover and watch the backward-baseball-cap crowd flock to stores. *Remind people that you've sold more than 6 million discs in Germany; do not remind them that you're an even bigger star in Latvia. *To bolster your rep as a serious actor, point out that you have starred in a film with Christopher Plummer; do not reveal that it was Starcrash, the follow-up to Revenge of the Cheerleaders. *Cut a much-publicized duet with Lemonhead Evan Dando, then dump it at the last minute. *When performing live, trade the Speedo for a codpiece. (It worked for Cameo- word up!) *Hire zeitgeist video director Spike Jonze to do your first MTV clip. Shoot it underwater and invite Patrick ''Man From Atlantis'' Duffy to cameo. *Cover ''My Beach'' by the Surf Punks. Do not cover anything by the Beach Boys. (Three words: David Lee Roth.) *Exploit your himbo status! Instead of running from the truth (that you're Captain Kitsch on TV's Starship Jiggleprise), embrace it. As Tom Jones will tell you, one man's cheese is another's fromage.