1 MIKE TYSON His next bout's on ''free'' TV. I wouldn't watch if it was on ''pay-me-to-view.''
2 CANADIAN BACON John Candy's last film. Unless they put him in The Crow 2.
3 SEVEN A serial killer matches wits with Brad Pitt. We're all gonna die.
4 CLAUDE X An unknown man keeps showing up in photos with French presidents. Oh, my God! It's Bill Clinton!
5 CORNHUSKERS Two Nebraska footballers could go to jail. The team's changing its nickname from ''Big Red'' to ''Big House.''
6 SHOWGIRLS We don't need this Hollywood filth about strippers and lap dancers in our town. It might take business away from our topless bars.
7 ANGUS The high school misfit is elected prom king. That's a twist. In most high schools, they make him the principal.
8 CENTRAL PARK WEST The much-hyped premiere got mugged in the ratings. Perhaps they should call it Central Park.
9 BOY GEORGE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY He squandered his fortune on drugs and fast living. Join the pop-culture club.
10 BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY After 162 weeks, it's off The New York Times best-seller list. Now we know how long it takes for every woman in America to buy a book.
11 BUTTMASTER DANCERS They hawk Suzanne Somers' new gadget. We've heard of starting at the bottom — but as one?
12 FULL-SCALP NUDITY Burt Reynolds appears sans wig in Striptease. We'll see how much of that stuff on his back is his.
13 UNSTRUNG HEROES A kid living with two loony uncles. How can a kid tell when someone else is acting funny?
14 TV-VIOLENCE REPORT Kiddie shows take a hit. But isn't it worth a little emotional damage to sell tons of sugar-coated cereal?
15 THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT The public voted to keep the swimsuit competition. Colin Powell came in second.
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