So many talk shows, so few people with compelling personality disorders. With some 20 yell-fests now on the air, the competition for dysfunctional guests is getting as wild as the senior citizens stripping on Rolonda. So here's a suggestion for overworked bookers: Just pick up your remote control! Prime-time TV is replete with volatile, disturbed specimens of humanity. Here are some actual trash talk-show topics complete with their ideal panels.
''Battle of the Breasts'' on Charles Perez: C.J. from Baywatch; Donna Abandando from NYPD Blue; Patty and Selma from The Simpsons; Frank Costanza from Seinfeld
''People With Multiple Personalities'' on The Other Side: Kimberly/Henry from Melrose Place; Urkel/Urquelle from Family Matters; Clark Kent/Superman from Lois & Clark; Sheneneh/Martin from Martin; Old Becky/New Becky/Old Becky from Roseanne
''I Slept With 251 Men in 10 Hours'' on Jerry Springer: Kelly from Married. With Children; Valerie from Beverly Hills, 90210; Jackie from Roseanne; Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous; Matt from Melrose Place...in his dreams
''I Pretend to Like You, But Surprise! I Can't Stand You'' on Ricki Lake: Larry, Hank, and Artie from The Larry Sanders Show; Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, Monica, Joey, Rachel, and Marcel the monkey from Friends
''Proud to Be a Virgin'' on Jerry Springer: Donna from Beverly Hills, 90210; um...oh, and Donna from Beverly Hills, 90210.
-- Kristen Baldwin and A.J. Jacobs
