OUR VERY OWN TOP TEN

In order to promote their spanking new tome David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists and Zesty Lo-Cal Chicken Recipes (absolutely no recipes included), Letterman and his writers have come up with a list tailor-made for ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. We're not sure whether to be flattered or insulted -- guess we'll be both.

Top Ten Sure-Fire Ways to Get in Entertainment Weekly:

10. Pay Heidi Fleiss by check

9. Spend $200 million on a movie about a guy with gills

8. Launch a controversial Calvin Klein underwear campaign featuring provocatively posed 90-year-olds

7. Get together with a couple of your girlfriends and take turns marrying Larry King

6. First name Hootie or last name Dogg

5. Be a highly paid ass double on NYPD Blue

4. Have a brief career as a child star, then knock over a liquor store

3. ''Date'' Divine Brown

2. Screw up hosting the Academy Awards

1. Slap together a lame collection of Top Ten lists