(Additional reporting by Rebecca Ascher-Walsh, Kristen Baldwin, Dave Karger, Chris Nashawaty, Jessica Shaw, and Anne Thompson)

The Bible of bleak

Bleak babe: Juliette Lewis

Bleak bad boy: Johnny Depp

Bleak brooder: Morrissey

Bleak buzz cut: Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver

Bleak blonde: Leonardo DiCaprio

Bleak Brit: Gary Oldman

Bleak brat: Quentin Tarantino

Bleak band: Nine Inch Nails

Bleak bozo: Steven Wright

Bleak beatnik: Jack Kerouac

Bleak bogeyman: Christopher Walken

Bleak bore: Bret Easton Ellis

Bleak bigmouth: Roseanne

Bleak house: Charles Dickens

Bottle bleak:

No self-respecting Bleak movie would feature a boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl plot—unless, of course, the boy gets girl's severed head. But that doesn't mean such cinema is free of formula. Here, a do-it-at-home guide to making your own Bleak Masterpiece.

1. Hire a twentysomething screenwriter working a minimum-wage job in a video store.

2. Don't admit you've ever seen Pulp Fiction.

3. Cast Steve Buscemi.

4. Include at least one strong role for a woman. Then kill her.

5. Ban shampoo from the set.

6. Invest in rain machines.

7. Film underground as much as possible.

8. Film everything else at night.

9. Save by skimping on lighting.

10. Fight for an NC-17.

Originally posted Nov 03, 1995 Published in issue #299 Nov 03, 1995 Order article reprints
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