1 OSCAR HOSTS How about Rosie O'Donnell? Oh, they already had the year of the woman. She'll have to wait until the next millennium.
2 THE COLD WAVE If you freeze your butt off, can they reattach it?
3 L.A. TRAFFIC Thank goodness for the car phone. We can have food deliverd to the freeway.
4 THE POST OFFICE They put the wrong black face on the Bill Pickett stamp. At least it wasn't Ted Danson's.
5 JACKSON FAMILY HONORS I'll bring the potato salad, you bring the kids.
6 JOHN MADDEN Fox has signed the football announcer for $32 million. Many would pay that much to keep him off the air.
7 GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS Oh, yeah, they're real important. Quick -- who won last year?
8 THE SUPER BOWL You'd think they were cutting off someone's penis.
9 CALVIN KLEIN He gets $64 million for his underwear business. I get funny looks at the Laundromat for mine.
10 BOB DYLAN He's letting an accounting firm use ''The Times They Are A-Changin''' in a commercial. My accountant wanted ''I Shall Be Released.''
11 THE ECO CHANNEL Programs about our environment 24 hours a day. Like America's Funniest Solid Wast Managers and This Old Sewer.
12 REGIS' WORKOUT TAPE For people who want washboard tongues.
13 THE CRITIC A new prime-time cartoon about a caustic, haughty movie reviewer. Like there's another kind?
14 BABYLON 5 A bleak view of the future. It takes place 264 years from now and they still haven't found a cure for baldness.
15 DIANE SAWYER In the middle of a network bidding war, she may end up with even more millions. Female anchors should be as overpaid as male anchors.