1 BRANDO'S MISSING OSCAR He forgot where he put it. Has he looked under his belly button?
2 RADIOLAND MURDERS A murder-mystery-comedy set in the Golden Age of Radio. The worst mix of the '20s, '30s, and '40s.
3 AMTRAK They derailed $2 million in ads from NBC because Jay Leno wouldn't stop joking about them. Plus, they need the money for drug testing.
4 GO-GO'S REUNION The breakup was a terrible misunderstanding. Translation? ''We're broke.''
5. TOYS ''R'' US They've stopped selling realistic toy guns. It was a business decision. Kids spend more money when they're alive.
6 INSOMNIA Stephen King's page-turner about a man who sees things others can't when he stays awake at night. It's the Ross Perot story.
7 PRINCE CHARLES So Daddy made him marry Di. There's a short book What Prince Philip Knows About Women.
8 O.J. STATUES Limited-edition bronzes of him go for $3,395. Now, where would Martha Stewart put hers?
9 THE OTHER SIDE Stories about near-death experiences. Don't you hear enough when the kids get home from school?
10 TALKING FROM 9 TO 5 A book on communicating at work says men take credit for other's ideas. I said that years ago.
11 SPIELBERG-GEFFEN-KATZENBERG STUDIOS Three movie producers have formed their own company, causing much angst in Hollywood. Who do we suck up to the most?
12 THE NOBEL PIECE PRIZE Yasser Arafat's reaction to the news? ''It can't be I'm so happy I could kill somebody!''
13 JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT He'll strip in a gay nightclub on Halloween. That boy stays on the cutting edge.
14 DAN RATHER His new book says he's always learning something new. Like how to pronounce Kato Kaelin.
15 BULLETS OVER BROADWAY Woody Allen's comedy about the Mob. You'll laugh until they tell you to stop.