Movie Article

Kirk Out (And How)

Killing off Captain Kirk -- We dream up alternative ways to off William Shatner's character

A seminal moment of real finality in the final frontier, the death of Captain Kirk has been preoccupying Trekkers since hints of the Generations story line leaked out. Does the movie do justice to sci-fi's most over-the-top star — even after reshoots of the Big Scene? We can't help but imagine some alternative demises:

Giddy to be back together on the Enterprise, Kirk and Chekov bond over a game of racquetball. After the wily Russian upsets the out-of-shape captain, he teases him in the locker room with a bit of towel snapping, triggering Kirk's electronically controlled girdle to squeeze him to death.

Kirk makes pals with security chief Worf, and the two head off for a wild night of partying on the Klingon's home planet. After a bit too much Warnog, the still-rarin' Captain seduces the strangely alluring Duras sisters. But with his lack of familiarity with the rough ways of Klingon mating, Kirk meets his maker with a smile.

After buying a new toupee from Tribble trader Cyrano Jones, Kirk finds the furball on his head multiplying exponentially, driving him mad with cooing sounds, eventually suffocating him.

Succumbing to a neural disorder that renders him unable to finish a sentence without progressively longer dramatic pauses, Kirk chooses to have his brain frozen, leaving this order: that the Enterprise crew travel to Earth and find the youngest living Shatner in the phone book to be the organ's recipient.

Originally posted Nov 25, 1994 Published in issue #250 Nov 25, 1994 Order article reprints