''You know, I always thought I'd go in for travel writing myself if I ever went anywhere or was a good writer.''
-Ellen (Ellen DeGeneres) on Ellen
''Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley say the relationship is still as passionate as ever, and to prove it they plan to kiss again sometime in May.''
-Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect
''I just came from an appearance as stunt-breast on Baywatch.''
-Grace (Brett Butler), explaining where she had been, on Grace Under Fire
''Airline travelers' complaints have risen 22 percent over the last year. The most common complaint was 'They lost my baggage,' followed closely by 'I didn't like being in that fiery plane crash.''' -Norm MacDonald on SNL
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