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''If any more clinton relatives come out of the woodwork, they're gonna have to change the presidential theme from 'Hail to the Chief' to 'We Are Family.'''-Jay Leno
''...In Brookline, Mass., this week...they had a funeral for a 100-year-old elm tree that died. Here's my question: When a plant dies, do you bring flowers?'' -Leno
''He couldn't be nicer. Unless he chose to make me his wife, and that would make him just perfect.'' -Sarah Jessica Parker speaking of her boyfriend, Matthew Broderick, on Letterman
''If GE had a sense of humor, they'd send a guy in here right now to fire me.'' -David Letterman, on his last NBC show
