THE WEEK

7 FRIDAY TEQUILA AND BONETTI (CBS, 9-10 p.m.) Advance word on this series was so virulently bad, I couldn't wait to be the one writer in the country actually to enjoy Tequila and Bonetti. Maybe every other critic just didn't get it-it's possible, right? Alas, Tequila is pretty indefensible. The series is an hour- long comedy-cop show starring Jack Scalia (Wolf) as Nico Bonetti, a New York homicide detective who is transferred to Los Angeles and teamed, in a Turner & Hooch homage, with a morose-looking mastiff named Tequila. The twist is that we can hear Tequila's thoughts (his voice is provided by Brad Sanders); thus, for example, when tough-talking Bonetti insults some poor sap, the camera cuts to a close-up of the dog's face, and we hear Tequila say, ''Damn, this boy disses everybody he meets!'' The fact that Tequila ''speaks'' in a TV scriptwriter's idea of black street jive-when the show goes to a commercial, Tequila says, ''Homeboy and I will be back in yo' face in a few minutes!''-is probably the lamest, and most insulting, aspect of this show. But Scalia's dialogue, which he renders nearly incoherent with an extravagantly hammy Italian accent, is equally idiotic. In a recent episode, Scalia's Bonetti managed to combine poor taste with hostile sexism while explaining why he thought a dead woman hanging from an apartment ceiling wasn't the suicide everyone else thought she was. ''Beautiful women don't hang themselves,'' he said blithely, ''they take pills so they look good in the coffin.'' Yeah, right, Bonetti, and sometimes foolish actors hang themselves in bad shows, and they don't look good at all. The next time I want talking-animal TV, I'll find a Mr. Ed rerun. D-

THE 1992 MISS USA PAGEANT (CBS, 9-11 p.m.) The 41st annual beauty contest, live from Wichita, Kan. Dick Clark is host. Pant, pant, pant.

THE PAULA POUNDSTONE SHOW (HBO, 12:30-1 a.m.) Catching her act on the Tonight Show or Letterman, I always thought stand-up comic Paula Poundstone was obviously smart, but I never found her very funny-her fidgety, rather defensive, locked-jaw delivery was kind of nerve-racking. So this assured half hour-the first of four variety shows Poundstone will host for HBO this month- was a (continued on page 50) pleasant surprise. Sitting on a stool in a pair of very cool blue cowboy boots, Poundstone is relaxed and charming-her jokes seem more like offhand remarks (''How did we come up with a concept like 'the dysfunctional family'? Do you know anyone who even knows anyone who lives in a functional family?''), and there's a lot of spontaneously amusing give-and-take with the audience. Poundstone also brings guests onto these shows, and they aren't the usual talk-show regulars. They range from a man who shows you how to write your own will (Poundstone manages to be funny with him without stepping on the information he's giving us) to the earth-shaking gospel group the Five Blind Boys of Alabama. Anyone who puts the Five Blind Boys of Alabama on television deserves an award, even if it's only one of those little cable-TV ACE awards. A-