THE WEEK

28 FRIDAY FISH POLICE (CBS, 8:30-9 p.m.) The latest cartoon series to hit prime time features more attractive and imaginative animation than Capitol Critters, but Fish Police's humor doesn't come within swimming distance of The Simpsons'. Based on Steve Moncuse's cult-hit comic books about crime-fighting carp, Fish Police follows the exploits of an underwater police department's Inspector Gil (his voice is provided by John Ritter). Gil solves crimes while he and everyone around him emit a ceaseless flow of fish-themed sight gags, jokes, and puns. Sure, some of these are funny: When Gil notices a crime suspect paying more attention to a shapely female fish than to his questions, he snaps, ''I said 'Inspector Gil,' not 'inspect her gills'!'' But before the first episode was over, I was already tired of being asked to laugh at the running joke that Gil's police badge is actually a wriggling starfish. Moncuse's comics are a lot more varied and better constructed-their plots worked as mysteries, whereas here the stories are just excuses for more fish humor. This is a stinky idea. C

NIGHTMARE CAFE (NBC, 10-11 p.m.) This supernatural series was cocreated by director Wes Craven, who has overseen numerous horror movies, including the Nightmare on Elm Street series. Cafe doesn't have any of the graphic shocks of Craven's feature films; instead, it has a tediously complicated premise: The Nightmare Cafe is a sort of limbo luncheonette staffed by three ghosts, played ( by Dynasty's Jack Coleman, Mancuso FBI's Lindsay Frost, and Robert Englund-the evil Freddy Krueger of the Elm Street movies. Customers who walk into the Nightmare Cafe have problems that the cafe crew tries to help solve. In this week's episode, for example, Coleman's character tries to protect a woman, played by Beth Toussaint, whose husband is abusing her; the lout is also involved with a few murders. Featuring dialogue like ''You're a dangerous combination of shy and direct,'' the episode is a trite melodrama made unbearably coy by the fact that Frost and Englund's characters watch everything Coleman is doing on the cafe's magic TV set, and make arch comments on the action. In addition to that Peeping Tom TV, every door in the cafe leads not out onto the street but into a different scene in the week's episode-the coffee- shop setting, rife with cheesy special effects, is the real star of the show. Englund in particular is wasted in this series; he can be an amusing, inventive actor, but here he's required only to smirk smugly and literally wink at the camera. Nightmare Cafe is certainly different: Lots of TV shows are dull and/or stupid-this series is dull, stupid, and really annoying. D-

29 SATURDAY

FOR RICHER, FOR POORER (HBO, 8-9:30 p.m.) This new TV movie has an impressive cast, including Jack Lemmon, Madeline Kahn, the terrific stage actress Joanna Gleason, Talia Shire, and Jonathan Silverman (Weekend at Bernie's). But the actors labor mightily only to achieve the equivalent of a mediocre Neil Simon comedy. Lemmon plays a rich Beverly Hills businessman who gives away all his money. Why? To teach his spoiled, layabout son (Silverman) a lesson- you have to work hard in this life. That, essentially, is it. The script, by veteran TV writer Stan Daniels (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Taxi), is supposed to elicit laughs from the spectacle of watching Lemmon, Silverman, and Shire (as Lemmon's wife) adjusting to poverty. Kahn portrays a longtime homeless person who gives them pointers; at one point, Lemmon actually says, ''You know, you're a very wise derelict.'' This downscale Down and Out in Beverly Hills isn't just unfunny; it's pretty offensive, too. D