1 PATRICK BUCHANAN Imagine how well he'd do if they could get him to kiss babies instead of biting them. 2 GERALDO'S PLASTIC SURGERY They took fat from his rear end and injected it into his face. An apt metaphor for his show.
3 BARRY DILLER The man behind Babes and Parker Lewis Can't Lose! wants to run his own company. GM maybe?
4 NBC'S NEW I WITNESS VIDEO ''Family killed by a tornado-while watching real tornado on TV-and we taped it!''
5 BRYAN ADAMS At least he's settled one bar bet-any stupid song tacked on the end of Robin Hood will sell.
6 BARBRA STREISAND'S OSCAR NON-MINATION Was she snubbed, or was it payback time for making us sit through those excruciating love scenes with Nick Nolte?
7 STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT A money-laundering scam, or did they sell 2,000 percent of the stock?
8 MICHAEL JACKSON'S AFRICAN INSULT He wasn't touching his nose, he was holding it on.
9 FISH POLICE CBS' half-hour advertisement for cable-TV subscriptions.
10 THE ALL-'TOON NETWORK They laughed when Ted Turner started CNN and TBS, but nobody's laughing now. Unfortunately.
11 MASTERS & JOHNSON DIVORCE ''Work, work, work-that's all you ever want to talk about!''
12 ELECTRONIC TAX RETURNS How come there's never a computer virus when you need one?
13 JFK AND THE MOB Hoffa was killed because he was going to tell Clay Shaw about the camera in Marilyn's belly button.
14 CHEVY CHASE Oh, yeah, in case you missed it, he's a serious actor now. That would explain Funny Farm.
15 THIS IS MY LIFE The old living-hell-of-moving-to-Manhattan-and-striking- it-rich story. Damn, this glass of champagne is half empty.
