SPLITSVILLE, USA

ave you heard that longtime couple and debatably newlyweds Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall aren't getting no satisfaction? Did you know that the short-term marriage of Harry Hamlin and Nicollette Sheridan is on the rocks? And that Vaseline spokeswoman Joan Lunden has to pay big bucks to estranged husband Michael Krauss? Of course you do: You're living in this world, you're reading this magazine, and you know that the only thing more thrilling than a show-biz wedding is a show-biz divorce. That's because celebrity splits are a constant source of fascination to everyone with lives less wealthy, less famous, less likely to involve paparazzi. And that means most of us. Which is one reason we turn to entertainment in the first place. * The rupture of a relationship is, of course, sobering-the breakup of Woody Allen and Mia Farrow being played out in daily headlines is cause for shock and sorrow even as we follow every step. But show-biz divorces are also instructive: Fame can't guarantee happiness, we learn. Songs are written and movies made on the subject (keep going; we've listed them), but in show biz, sometimes the one who wins biggest after the divorce papers are signed is the publicist. * Who else wins, who loses in entertainer love and war? Read on. HOLLYWOOD'S 30 GREAT DIVIDES

Heartache led to headlines for these ex-couples-ranked here in order of ooh! aahh! value:

1. GOLD MEDAL: HOLLYWOOD CLASSIC Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor (1964-74, 1975-76) The way they carried on, you'd think she was Cleopatra or something, and he was Mark Antony.

2. SILVER MEDAL: ROCK & ROLL CLASSIC Bruce Springsteen and Julianne Phillips (1985-89) Proving that, for tramps like him, a Hollywood actress doesn't hold a candle to a Jersey girl.

3. BRONZE MEDAL: LIFESTYLE CLASSIC Jack Nicholson and Anjelica Huston (1972-89) After 17 years of unmarried terms of endearment, she finally kissed that roving joker goodbye.

4. TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN Sean Penn and Madonna (1985-89) Like a virgin? No. But the man she fell hardest for was a wild child with a thing about flashbulbs. Which is, like, a problem if you're with Madonna.

5. PUPPY LOVE Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith (1976-77) Lesson one: Don't get married when you're 9, or 14, or whatever. Lesson two: If at first you don't succeed, hire a publicist and try again.

6. BONO OF CONTENTION Sonny and Cher (1964-74) Who got who, babe?

7. RISKY BUSINESS Tom Cruise and Mimi Rogers (1987-90) He was younger, she was older. And as he became a box office top gun, their brief marriage headed for Divorce Court.

8. THE MISFITS Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe (1956-61) Not even a brilliant, bespectacled playwright/father-type could save Norma Jean Baker from her lonely self .

9. MILES APART Miles Davis and Cicely Tyson (1981-88) They were ultra cool, but then life together turned blue.