AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSICS
Like Alistair Cooke on Masterpiece Theatre, Bob Dorian is a
definitive introducer — persuading us, by force of character, not to
notice that the film that's about to follow usually isn't a
masterpiece at all. Folksy yet sleek, gossipy but not salacious,
erudite without nerdiness, Dorian doles out fun facts between classy
old shows like so many juicy jujubes: why Boris Karloff couldn't
smoke when he played Frankenstein (his costume would ignite), why
Hitchcock's Lifeboat cast applauded Tallulah Bankhead when she got
out of the dinghy (no underpants). The true test of Dorian's gift:
One feels that he always shuts up too soon.
*Physical appearance: A
*Purity of baritone: A
*Talent for luring Roger Ebert away from watching other cable
networks (AMC and CNN are his favorites): A+
*Critical acumen: A+
*Degree to which clothes would please Cindy Crawford: B+
*Overall amusement value: A
THE TODAY SHOW, NBC
His frizzy head is a fire hazard, but Gene Shalit often uses his
bully pulpit to make the world safe for true art. There's a sly
show-biz savvy behind those reprehensible puns: Saying that if movies
were the Olympics, ''Single White Female wouldn't even get a
bronze'' — though Jennifer Jason Leigh ''does have a lot of brass.''
There's not much room to move in his Critic's Corner, but within
strict limits, he has as much fun as Pee-wee in his Playhouse.
*Physical appearance: C-
*Elocution: B-
*Likelihood he will outdo the in-depth criticism of Dwight
Macdonald, Manny Farber, and Cahiers du Cinema: F
*Critical acumen: A-
*Degree to which clothes would please Cindy Crawford: D+
*Overall amusement value: B
SISKEL & EBERT, syndicated on the Disney Channel
''The worst thing about doing the show,'' says Roger Ebert, ''is
being teamed with Gene'' — and this is of course the best thing about
the show. Not even the McLaughlin Group can match the quivering
tension of Siskbert's crossed foils. Though their ego combat is
perfect for TV, in some ways they're unpolished performers. Their
faces are too immobile — like Japanese cartoons where only the motor
mouth moves — and Ebert's hand gestures are often too broad to fit
within the frame.
*Physical appearance: B- (Siskel) C+ (Ebert)
*Elocution: A- (both)
*Ability to make the viewers feel as if at any instant they will
reenact the Jake LaMotta/Sugar Ray Robinson bouts from Raging Bull:
A+
*Critical acumen: A+
*Degree to which clothes would please Cindy Crawford: C-
*Overall amusement value: A
SNEAK PREVIEWS, PBS
It's a case of the bland leading the blind. The laconic Jeffrey
Lyons just phones in his performance. Michael Medved, who seemingly
would prefer uplifting propaganda to entertainment, is bucking to
become the most reactionary critic in the movie business. His
controversial book is Hollywood vs. America, and that's the way he
sees things on his show. Having no chemistry together, Medved and
Lyons generate little heat or light. Only money.
*Physical appearance: A (Lyons) C (Medved)
*Elocution: B (both)
*Talent for detecting overwhelmingly evil social menace in Home
Alone, The Little Mermaid, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: A+ (Medved,
in his book)
*Critical acumen: D
*Degree to which clothes would please Cindy Crawford:
A- (Lyons) D (Medved)
*Overall amusement value: D-
