Texas politics are slightly more civilized than they were in the days when lobbyists controlled the lege with what Ivins calls the Three Bs — ''beef, bourbon, and blonds.'' But there are still plenty of outrageous goings-on. ''Every time I say Texas politics are more sophisticated than they used to be, something utterly gross happens,'' Ivins says. Last session, for example, one delegate left office as a consequence of a fatal crack overdose. ''Of course, being Texas, there was this loony footnote,'' Ivins recalls. ''Before they discovered the body, the guy kept voting.'' Meanwhile, the speaker of the house, Gib Lewis, a man Ivins describes as having the ''ethical sensitivity of a walnut,'' is currently under indictment for allegedly failing to report a lobbyist's gift. ''Of course it's almost redundant to say that the speaker is under indictment,'' Ivins points out. ''In fact it has been years since we had a speaker of the Texas house of representatives who wasn't under indictment.''

In a state plagued by an oil crisis and a recession, Ivins sees other serious problems — including a hopelessly regressive tax structure, a crippled public school system, and the absence of effective environmental and gun-control laws. So why does she spend so much time, feet up on the desk, receiver in hand, laughing? ''The only alternatives are crying and throwing up, so you have to laugh. Though I guess,'' Ivins adds, ''suicide would also be an option.''

For Doctor Dirt, the disgruntled political consultant, however, Ivins has a more upbeat suggestion. As the marathon phone call draws to a close, she abruptly offers the following down-home advice: ''Well Geeooorge, why don't you just git so goddamned rich you can come back and buy someone into office.'' Anyone who knows her will tell you that the last comment is part joke, part dare — as Ivins is aware, political buyouts make bodaciously good newspaper headlines.

Originally posted Sep 27, 1991 Published in issue #85 Sep 27, 1991 Order article reprints
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