January 2 GRETA EXPECTATIONS CNN legal-affairs expert Greta Van Susteren, a network fixture since the mid-'90s O.J. trial, packs her bags and moves to the Fox News Channel. Not long after, Van Susteren gets rid of some other bags, fessing up to having plastic surgery on her eyes.

January 4 O GRAMMY, THERE ART THOU! Grammy nominations are announced, and U2 rack up eight. On awards night two months later, the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack earns five awards, and the Soggy Bottom Boys douse the hopes of Bono and Co. by taking best-album honors.

January 7 PROMO NO-NO CNN yanks a promo in which anchor Paula Zahn is described as ''sexy'' -- over what sounds like a pulled zipper. CNN calls the spot a ''major blunder.'' No word yet on if they'll add snores to ads for Lou Dobbs' Moneyline.

January 8 CLOTHES TO THE EDGE Dismissed as ''Harry Potter in drag,'' Weakest Link's Anne Robinson bumps Britney Spears off the top of Mr. Blackwell's ''Worst Dressed'' list. Christina Aguilera wasn't included this year, as she technically didn't wear enough clothes to qualify.

January 18 TALK AIN'T CHEAP After more than two years of publication and losses of $55 million, Miramax and Hearst pull the plug on Talk, the magazine they launched with high-profile editor Tina Brown. Still standing, however, are Baby Talk, Pug Talk, and, of course, Miniature Donkey Talk.

January 23 CAREY ON...SOMEWHERE ELSE After lackluster record sales -- not to mention a punchline movie and some bizarro behavior -- Mariah Carey is paid $28 million (from an $80 million contract) to leave her label, Virgin Records.

January 30 REALLY ROSIE It is announced that talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell will recount her lesbian experiences in her new book, Find Me. To the immense relief of everyone, she refrains from using the words ''cutie patootie'' in this context.

February 5 GIVING UP THE GHOST Whoopi Goldberg's stolen Oscar is found in an airport trash bin. Goldberg's career, however, is still missing.

February 21 SPACING OUT This just in! 'N Sync's Lance Bass is negotiating a deal in which he'll raise $20 million to hitch a ride on a Russian spaceship in outer space. The next day, Russian authorities deny any discussions. More to come on this still-developing story...

February 24 THE WWE PRESENTS 'RUSSELL-MANIA' After the BAFTA awards, the Brit Oscars, Best Actor Russell Crowe (A Beautiful Mind) threatens a BBC producer who edited his acceptance speech for the taped program. Crowe later apologizes. At least he didn't give the producer a wedgie after gym class.

February 25 TOP GUMS Tom Cruise is seen sporting clear braces. The British press pounces on the fact that the actor has admitted his teeth aren't straight.

March 13 YOU GIVE GLOVES A BAD NAME Fox airs its first Celebrity Boxing special, in which Tonya Harding pummels presidential accuser Paula Jones. They promise a follow-up match with Saved by the Bell's Screech vs. Welcome Back, Kotter's Horshack. Suddenly, pro wrestling seems dignified.