''Real World''

Shlongtime No See

Irulan's threesome heats up on her birthday -- When it comes to the perfect gifts, she couldn't ask for anything more than Alton's giant manhood and an unusually forgiving boyfriend, says Josh Wolk

The Real World | THREE'S COMPANY? With Irulan's forgiving boyfriend out of the picture, Alton is able to give the birthday girl some TLC confessional-style
THREE'S COMPANY? With Irulan's forgiving boyfriend out of the picture, Alton is able to give the birthday girl some TLC confessional-style

Irulan's threesome heats up on her birthday

Coming one night after the most glorious ''Real World/Road Rules Challenge'' premiere ever, the Jan. 7 ''Real World'' was the epitome of anticlimactic. The ''Challenge'' had the loopiest reality veterans doing what they do best: overreacting. (Having Puck spit in L.A. outcast David's face would have been enough, but then David dramatically proclaimed that ''No one -- not even Jesus Christ -- could spit in my face and get away with it!'' That, my friends, was the insanity icing on the crazy cake.)

So to go from that to these Las Vegas reality amateurs, well, it couldn't help but be a step down. Until Arissa starts proclaiming that she wouldn't even forgive Jesus Christ for fooling around in their hot tub, this group just can't compete with the Challengers.

The episode took place on Irulan's birthday, and she is the kind of girl who demands everything she wants on her special day: attention, meals, gifts, and a boy toy in every state. She has been fooling around with Alton regularly, yet still leaps eagerly out of their bed to get on the phone with boyfriend Gabe to tell him how much she loves him. And once again we spent nearly an entire episode with Alton self-flagellating over how much he likes Irulan, yet how he must protect himself from getting hurt.

This is so rookie ''Real World.'' We saw this kind of endless groin-gazing just last season with Kyle and Keri when they were newbies. If this situation popped up on the ''Challenge,'' I'll bet those pros would settle it in 15 minutes, with plenty of time left to get pregnant, scream at their mothers, develop an eating disorder, and call a roommate a whore.

When it comes to Irulan, Alton's mind says ''no,'' but his enormous penis says ''yes.'' (By the way, that's not me editorializing phallicly -- that was the unanimous description of his member given later by a gawking Frank, Steven, and Trishelle after seeing Alton naked. Yes, it was shocking to hear such frank conversation about a reality star's package, but it's only a matter of time before Fox comes up with ''Joe Shlong-ionnaire,'' and it's not the size of a bachelor's bank account they'll be lying about.)

On the way to Irulan's birthday dinner, Alton proclaimed that he wanted to get her something nice, like a gold-plated cigarette holder. There's only one more sensitive gift than a container for things that can kill her...and that's a container for things that can kill her bought at the very last minute.

The birthday dinner was inexplicably portrayed as a silent movie, with Old Tyme music playing and cards presenting such dialogue as ''Gosh... Isn't Alton swell...'' Fortunately, the rest of the episode didn't continue that way, or we would have eventually seen the placard, ''Golly! Alton's enormous willy is tangled up in the electrical wiring! 22-skidoo!'' Things got modern fast when they all headed to Rain; Irulan got drunk and went home to throw up, while Alton hit on Carrie the Schoolteacher.

If you were a teacher, would you want your one-night stand broadcast on a channel watched by millions of young people? Why not just hook up on the P.A. during morning announcements? ''Students, this is Principal Johnson. The way that Miss Carrie's back is pressed against my wall as she is serviced by some random man reminds me that today you'll be checked for scoliosis in gym class. Now get to first period.''

No matter how much Arissa tried to convince Irulan that she should be hurt by Alton's hookup, she wasn't annoyed, since they weren't technically boyfriend and girlfriend. She was just concerned that everybody would see her as naive. ''Basically, I don't want to be disrespected,'' she said. It's odd that she would be so concerned with appearances, considering that Gabe would eventually be watching her appear on TV rolling around with another man.

But in Irulan's mind, she's not disrespecting Gabe since she has his permission to fool around. And sadly, that's true. She called Gabe to confess that even though his one rule was that she couldn't mess around with a roommate, she had. After careful thought, he said that that was okay, but she just couldn't have sex with him. Either Gabe is sleeping with everything that moves at home and is wracked with guilt, or he has the spine of a Gummi Bear.

When Irulan inevitably has sex with Alton, will Gabe fold again and say, ''Okay...just don't marry him''? And at their wedding, his toast will be, ''I wish you both the best. All I ask is that you don't get neighboring cemetery plots. Other than that, I'm cool.'' What Gabe needs to do is get an internship on the next ''Real World/Road Rules Challenge.'' They'll set him straight on how to make a real scene.

Originally posted Jan 08, 2003

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