TV Article

Lifetime Supply

EW braves a full day of the Lifetime Movie Network -- Our scribe spends 12 hours with bulimics, endangered children, Anne Heche, and a box of powdered doughnuts

Anne Heche, Girls in Prison | JAIL BIRDS Is two hours spent with ''Prison'''s Heche (left) and crew legally considered imprisonment?
Image credit: Girls in Prison: Everett Collection
JAIL BIRDS Is two hours spent with ''Prison'''s Heche (left) and crew legally considered imprisonment?

The Lifetime Movie Network is like a black hole: Once you're sucked into its powerful vortex of based-on-a-true-story telepics, you may never escape. Yet this courageous EW reporter watched 12 hours of LMN and lived to tell the tale.

7:45 a.m. ''Dark Mirror.'' Early-'80s Aaron Spelling product. Jane Seymore plays twins! The good one wears a headband.

8:03 a.m. Stephen Collins turns up as a kindly psychiatrist. I have a box of powdered doughnuts. Now I feel alive.

9:48 a.m. ''Dying to Be Perfect.'' Crystal Bernard stars as a Harvard grad/bulimic/hot mayor's wife/marathon runner. Her coach is a mean/really mean/super-mean man who makes her slim down.

10:15 a.m. Crystal and I are eating the same doughnuts!!

11:30 a.m. Must...not...doze...off.

Noon Early on in ''Final Justice,'' a lawyer mentions ''oral sex in a bathtub full of vegetable oil.'' I am awake again.

12:56 p.m. Why is there an ad for ''Fat Albert'' cartoons?

1:30 p.m. ''Seduction in a Small Town.'' Vixen (Joely Fisher) moves in on good woman's (Melissa Gilbert) husband. She offers him doughnuts and smokes a lot. Dizzily, I stub my Marlboro Light out in a doughnut.

2:44 p.m. I need something to love and protect NOW!! I check the closet -- maybe I have a child I forgot about.

2:45 p.m. I don't.

3-6 p.m.-ish Afternoon sugar slump. All the movies are blending together: Pregnant Gabrielle Anwar wonders which of her four boyfriends is the dad. Meanwhile, someone sues big tobacco, a horny ex-husband rides a motorcycle, and Christine Lahti makes chili for a motherless teen.

6:15 p.m. Three words: ''Girls in Prison.''

6:30 p.m. So, Anne Heche and Ione Skye and, like, two other girls commit murder. Skye finds a prison girlfriend to make out with in the shower. Hey, I thought this was television for WOMEN!

7:24 p.m. Constant exposure to ads for Pasta Pro has me convinced that I need one right this minute.

7:?? p.m. The movie loses me after Heche frames herself for shoplifting to get into prison. I feel a vague desire to either sue my dead ex-boyfriend's parents for sole custody of our kidnapped child or take a long, hot bath.

Originally posted Jan 14, 2003 Published in issue #691 Jan 17, 2003 Order article reprints
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