We answer seven burning questions
Fox's ''Joe Millionaire'' shows us the worst of humanity: A castle-full of women viciously competing for one man. Really bad French being warbled through the air. Our alleged gentleman, Evan Marriott, expressing his concern for the horse, not for the girl in stilettos who might fall off the horse. (Oh, you can dress him up, but you can't change him!)
With seven girls given the boot on Monday night's episode, we're down to five wannabe ladies-who-lunch. Since there's no way to know which one Evan will fall for (and whether it will be because she reminds him of a Ralph Lauren model), we'll answer these burning questions instead.
If Joe just inherited all this money, why is he an expert on the finer things?
While I love the vaguely pornographic setting in the French countryside, I think the sprawling lawns and brie-cheese accoutrements have distracted us from a glitch at the very heart of this show. If a regular Joe suddenly inherits $50 million, shouldn't he be more like Mr. Deeds and less like Richard Gere in ''Pretty Woman''? Why should Joe know how to ride horseback? If the money was really a surprise, then this boy would know more about Bud Lite than the dangers of drinking red wine with salmon.
Can Evan Marriott converse?
The first episode hooked me through sheer intrigue. But by week 2 I was bored stiff. How come the producers only show Joe talking to the camera or the butler? Maybe that New York Post article -- in which an ex-girlfriend of Joe's claims that he is really dumb -- is true. His inability to communicate would also explain why he'd fall for motormouth MoJo.
Is Evan the Incredible Hulk?
Think about it. Those shiny, shallow brown eyes. That cartoonish build. The way he can't seem to do that whole exchange-of-words thing. The way he so relishes physical labor and was -- a-ha! -- TRANSFORMED into a suave swain by Fox. In the same way that the Hulk transforms into a jolly green giant. Hmmm.
Where's the romance?
Maybe it was all the physical labor the girls had to do. Perhaps it was Paul the Butler's none-too-subtle way of checking the ladies out. Or maybe it was all that horse$&%*. But isn't ''Joe Millionaire'' the least romatic show of all time? Hell, we've seen more magic when Anna Nicole Smith looks into the eyes of her little Sugar Pie than when Joe glances at his bevy of beauties.
Who dreamed up that scene of Heidi mumbling French while pouting and claiming her bag is gone?
Oh, if I were fluent in French I would write this entry in the spirit of Mademoiselle Heidi. But hey, since she didn't need to perfect her skills, I will write in Frenglish. La Heidi was, how you say, so ridiculously fabulous when she was, em, how to say, talking to herself like some kind of a blonde batbrain. It was so nice, the way in a whole hour of television we had at least one scene to remember, one moment to hold onto. Oh, Francais!
How do I get one of these bachelorettes' exciting jobs?
The girls all came with so much nice acetate clothing. They are all gainfully employed, with an array of interesting office-based jobs. But what, exactly, does a business development director do all day? And for whom, exactly, is MoJo a spokesmodel -- Bitches Incorporated? As for Sarah, I've met folks in sales. And I've met folks in design. But both?! Wowza! How did she get time off to go on ''Joe Millionaire''?
What does Paul the Butler and that almost invisible hostess of the manor do at night?
Never mind. Now that I think about it, I don't want to know.