''Valentine's Day is a Hallmark conspiracy to make those of us not in relationships feel like s -- -,'' says designer Jen Bilik. Which is why she created -- just in time for the holiday -- a ''How to Find True Love'' poster. A 23 1/2'' x 35 3/4'' road map to courtship and romance, it's the ''perfect gift for a guy or a girl who's feeling confused about the process,'' says Bilik. The chart is about as difficult to follow as an Alias/24 double feature, but those who persevere can enjoy refs to dating highs (''He calls you!''), and have a giggle -- or a cry -- at dating lows (''He turns out to be a name-dropping, place-dropping ['When I was in the Haaahmptons...'] pompous ass''). Already, the primer has been making the Hollywood rounds -- Gilmore Girl Lauren Graham and Kelly Osbourne are among the celebs who own the broadsheet ($15, knockknock.biz). Who knows, next V-Day you could be on the other side of the Hallmark divide.