''Joe Millionaire''

His Bond Girl

Here's who'll win ''Joe Millionaire'' -- Why will Sarah beat out Zora for the heart of the pseudorich Evan? Caroline Kepnes counts the ways

Joe Millionaire | AND THE WINNER IS... NOT Zora, we predict, but she kept Evan guessing till the end, anyway
AND THE WINNER IS... NOT Zora, we predict, but she kept Evan guessing till the end, anyway

Here's who'll win

Was that last episode a clip show? A repeat? A cliffhanger? Yowza! It was all three! But in the interest of simplifying, we're just gonna cut to the chase and predict who will win the pot of gold in next week's finale: Sarah. Sure Zora COULD win, because she plays romantic peekaboo instead of giving it up. But you and I both know that Sarah -- with her psychotically gleeful energy, zeal for French kisses, and costarring roles (fully clothed) in light bondage films -- will win the pauper prince. Hey, does Evan seem like a guy who'd choose a game of Clue over a round of 70,000 Minutes in Heaven? Uh, no.

As for Paul the Butler's talk of a twist, whatever. It's sweeps! Still, think of the possibilities. Sarah finds out about the 19K and starts canoodling with Paul, thinking at least she'd get to stay in France. Zora steps up and says, ''Evan, I don't care if you're rich. I also don't care that you didn't pick me. And I also don't care that you didn't follow me when I left the hot tub after the bikini brigade.'' Whoa. Okay, that's kind of hard to picture.

But, as Sarah might've said to Evan in the privacy of his room, let's get down to it, shall we? Here're five things Sarah has that Zora doesn't.

1. BOSSINESS
She likes her wine ''grapey,'' her sexual liaisons horizontal, and her shoes… well, she likes her shoes. I mean, you want to smack her when she says she's in charge, but when you think of her practically breaking down Evan's door, telling him not to take his pants off -- yet -- and then emerging on the balcony hours later, well, you still want to smack her because of that super fake way about her, but she's totally right.

2. BOBBY PINS
Okay. In the beginning, Sarah's prissy French twists were just that, prissy. But after watching Zora flip, fluff, and tousle her hair nonstop, the dramatic upsweep holds a certain appeal. Zora withholds so much she can't even carry on a conversation on the eve of the big decision. Instead of hiding behind her tresses in a fairy-princess way, she should have snagged a few bobby pins from Sarah and let her gums flap a little bit more.

3. ORAL SKILLS
Get your minds out of lé gutter. That refers to the way Sarah actually talks and laughs, assuring us she is not a corpse. That little giggle of hers, highly irritating as it is, carries more clout than the supposed ''connection'' that Evan feels with Zora. If he really is making his decision based on the dates, he is sure to pick the girl who at least cracks a smile occasionally. Sure, Zora grins sometimes, which might make her happiness more precious, but she's not quite the Beauty to his down-home Beast.

4. GREEK TRAGEDY POTENTIAL
Deep down Evan must know that Sarah is the most dollar driven of them all, and it is a masochistic streak (which might also have led to that Speedo modeling) that leads him to fall for the wrong girl. We all want to see Sarah when she finds out he's poor. But the scene would be so much sweeter if she finds out AND she gets picked. Fox won't let us down.

5. DESPERATION
Mojo was creepy-desperate, with her ''look, Joe, it's a picture of you!'' puzzle. Melissa was insecure-desperate, like one of those girls who wear a one-shoulder top on a subzero-degree night. Zora is refreshingly not desperate, which is good for her ego but bad for her chances. When you like someone, it's normal to become at least a little vulnerable. Sarah's level of desperation is plum. Here she was, ready to accept that she'd never quite wash Los Feliz out of her hair when, Boom, she realizes she might have BILLIONS of dollars, and she's dancing around like a schoolgirl. Men can smell desperation the way Sarah can detect grapey wine from oh, a cherry soda. And, they like the Sarah scent -- bold but not shameless, at least not in front of them anyway. So Sarah, win big. Make this show's finale rich, at least!

Originally posted Feb 10, 2003
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