Oh, to be a crap-covered fly on the wall at the meeting where MTV execs viewed a rough cut of ''Jackass the Movie'' and decided what would make it to the big screen. ''Defecation? Sure. Urine-covered snow cones? All good. Sex toys? Uh...no. Let's hold that for the DVD.'' And now the DVD is out, complete with a stash of the extra stunts. Though not quite the ''couple hours of bonus footage'' that Jackass Preston Lacy promised EW.com back in October of last year, the 27 additional minutes (20 deleted scenes!) is just enough to get us through another year without ''Jackass'' on MTV. Here are our five favorites.
SKIT Ceiling Fan
PREMISE Steve-O declares, ''This is my house, and I'm f---ing SICK of that fan.'' Channeling Bob Vila with his pea-size brain, the former circus clown uses his body (propelled by a trampoline) as a human wrecking ball to take out the pesky -- and running -- ceiling fixture. Twice.
VERDICT Home improvement for idiots. Brilliant. A
SKIT Pocket Ass Return
PREMISE Three (understandably) nonrefundable items in life: worn underwear, chewed food, and used sex toys. Ewww. Johnny Knoxville visits the Pleasure Chest and tests that policy after applying fake vampire blood to a just-purchased prosthetic derriere. Double ewww. High jinks like the film's ''fireworks from the bum'' trick and the ol' ''toy car in the butt'' gag didn't cross the line, but the hilarious discomfort of ''Pocket Ass Return'''s sex-shop clerk did?
VERDICT This should've made it to theaters. A-
SKIT Bullfighting for Dollars
PREMISE Knoxville, Party Boy, and Steve-O tie a dollar to each of a bull's horns, then lock themselves in a pen with the thing. First to grab a bill wins. Wins WHAT? we ask. Well, whatever the ''prize,'' Knoxville gets it.
VERDICT The beast uses Johnny like a human hacky sack. Still, without impalement, we feel slightly cheated. B-
SKIT Poo River Pole Vault
PREMISE Though you saw Steve-O plummet into a nasty green river in the movie, you get even more pain in the DVD's complete scene. Not-quite-Steve-Irwin nature expert/friend Manny Puig notes the ''bacteria breeding ground'' is chock-full of ''oil, chemicals...dead animals, [and] broken glass.'' And then there's the coup de grace: Steve-O ralphing -- count 'em -- SEVEN times afterward.
VERDICT The stunt itself is old-hat, but what differentiates ''Poo River Pole Vault'' from, say, ''Blindfolded Skateboarding'' or ''Man Gets Football in the Groin'' is Steve-O's wonder-stomach. A+
SKIT Rube Goldberg
PREMISE ''Jackass''' demented version of the game Mousetrap: A human wrecking ball knocks a Porta Potti full of excrement (and Ehren McGhehey) down a slide, setting off a novelty punching bag that knocks Ryan Dunn onto a lever that drops Steve-O into a vat of ''disgusting s---,'' and so on...ending with Rip Taylor throwing confetti, naturally.
VERDICT Parts of this appeared in the movie as individual bits, but here we get to see the whole thing go sickly awry -- and isn't that what ''Jackass'' is all about? B+