The Big Night

Oscar Stopwatch

From Ernest Borgnine to ''All That Jazz'' -- a minute-by-minute recap

0:01 The broadcast opens with a montage of memorable lines from previous Best Picture winners. Gladiator's contribution: ''Cling! Clang! Sheeth!''

0:08 Host Steve Martin makes the first of the evening's nearly 2,000 ''Halle Berry is hot'' jokes.

0:15 Martin unveils a Brady Bunch-esque grid of all the audience members he's slept with. Snaring the coveted center square: an unnervingly grinny Ernest Borgnine.

0:30 Best Art Direction winners John Myhre and Gord Sim make the inaugural jog through Chicago's densely packed, smooch-intensive throng, led by an easily excitable Richard Gere.

0:33 Bosomy buddies Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah perform the Chicago duet ''I Move On.''

0:40 During a commercial break, Peter Jennings delivers a sobering update on the war.

0:43 Mickey Mouse appears on stage, much to the chagrin of a similarly bespectacled Martin Scorsese.

1:07 Best Supporting Actress nominee Zeta-Jones wins...

1:08 ...and wins again, thanks to the apparently TiVo-inspired ''Sounds of Oscar'' instant replay.

1:14 A shiny-faced, nonplussed Ben Affleck shrugs off Martin's quip about J. Lo's nips.

1:49 Just seconds after heralding Michael Moore with a standing ovation, many of the show's A-list stars look on in shock and awe as the director decries the ''fictitious'' President Bush.

1:54 Conrad W. Hall raises the Best Cinematography Oscar to the sky, in honor of his late father, Conrad L. Hall.

1:58 In the ''Oscar Winners Talk About What It's Like Being Oscar Winners'' montage, Tommy Lee Jones creepily rasps ''Happy 75th anniversary, little dude'' to his Fugitive statue.

2:11 Dudley Moore wins the ''Death Montage Applause-o-Meter'' during the ''In Memoriam'' presentation.

2:18 Best Actor presenter Halle Berry takes the stage. We hear she's hot.

2:21 After his name is called for the Best Actor award, a stunned Adrien Brody appears to stammer ''Holy shit.'' Meanwhile, a still-in-character Daniel Day-Lewis can only manage an ''Aye, shite.''

2:31 Eminem wins Best Original Song for 8 Mile's ''Lose Yourself.'' The statue is happily accepted by Doug Henning's basketball-playing younger brother.

2:32 A bored-looking Cameron Diaz regresses into adolescence, smacking her gum and playing with her hair.

2:37 Peter O'Toole carefully inspects his honorary Oscar to make sure it's not actually a wine decanter.

2:57 More than 50 previous Oscar winners are paraded out on stage. Shark-flick fans rejoice as Louis Gossett Jr. (Jaws 3-D) and Michael Caine (Jaws: The Revenge) make a rare joint public appearance.

3:23 Perennial snubee Martin Scorsese is the first to stand and applaud for Best Director winner Roman Polanski.

3:27 Chicago wins Best Picture, and a weary nation sighs in relief, confident that it will never have to hear the orchestra's overly brassy rendition of ''All That Jazz'' again.

Originally posted Apr 04, 2003 Published in issue #703 Apr 04, 2003 Order article reprints